Alex Becker
America’s birthday is coming up and while she may not deserve a gift this year, you should still be celebrating. Has America seen better times? Yes, definitely. I wasn’t there for them but I’ve heard the 1920s were fucking epic. And sure, while the 2020s may do more moaning and complaining than they do roaring, it’s not like everything nowadays is as bad as gas prices. America still has everything you know and love. Good ol’ fashion degeneracy is at an all-time high between our hundreds of different seltzers, nic sticks, and sportsbooks. We still manage to lead the world in both obesity and Olympic gold medals. And while at times it may not feel like it, we still have freedom.
Look, I know freedom is a big deal right now and many people around the country are unhappy with the government, and they have every right to be. Honestly, no matter your opinion on the subject, I think we can all agree that the Supreme Court should have waited until after the holiday to make a ruling. However, in classic American fashion, we did not take into account the consequences of our actions. But that shouldn’t deter you from celebrating the country you grew up loving.
Although recent events may say otherwise, there is still freedom in the US. You can have as many guns as you want, get real creative with your pronouns, and even smoke crack in Oregon.
So, instead of focusing on the recent negatives, let’s use this weekend to focus on the positives. For starters, let’s all be grateful that we aren’t a part of the United Kingdom. Could you imagine a life where instead of chicken tendies you grew up eating fish fingers? Or how about instead of apples your pie crust was filled with beef and lamb? Does that sound appetizing to you? Would you like to chew that between your aggressively crooked brown teeth? Didn’t think so. Be thankful you have access to both the Popeye’s chicken sandwich that’s so good it caused multiple murders and dental care.
You can also take time this weekend to appreciate the world class entertainment that the US produces. Other than that time Parasite won best picture, America has dominated the film industry with classics such as The Godfather, Meet the Fockers, and Sausage Party. Have you ever seen Bollywood? It is nothing like Hollywood. They have no reality shows about hot idiots trying not to have sex with each other or game shows produced by LeBron James. We have multiple of both!
Other great American triumphs include possibly sticking a flag on the moon, killing Hitler, and dropping the first ever atomic bomb. As if that wasn’t enough, we also invented mini golf, electricity, and the customary system. We may not have the highest standardized test scores or our own way of adding like Singapore, but we dismembered the Soviet Union purely by beating them in hockey. If that isn’t greatness, I don’t know what is.
All I’m trying to say is be proud. These times aren’t the best for us, but it could be so much worse. We could live in North Korea with a ruler who tortures his people or in Europe where they let the sun dry their clothes. So go out and celebrate how lucky you are to be an American in the most patriotic way possible: set shit on fire, let kids run around with flaming sticks, and watch fellow Americans square off in a weiner eating contest broadcast on live television.
