A reddit user shared the story of his mother, who recently collapsed in her hotel room and was rushed to the hospital. She was experiencing chest pains before she passed out and fell to the floor, where a coworker found her minutes later and immediately called the authorities. The only problem: the authorities had already been alerted via the woman’s Apple Watch.
Excuse me. I have a problem with that. Technology is already a huge invasion of privacy. We all hate the fact that a friendly conversation about Oreo’s will guarantee that everyone one of your ads for a week will be cookie related. But now people can’t even collapse in the comfort of their own homes without tech companies making it about themselves. We all know Apple didn’t care about that woman. All they care is about money. They made this abundantly clear when they told me I couldn’t get a free iPhone just because I spiked mine over a tough Madden loss. Whoever runs Apple probably got an alert sent to his phone that read, “Another Karen just dropped. Go get that publicity, playboy.” Capitalistic greed on that level is not only unconstitutional, it’s down right dangerous.
I know what most of you are probably thinking. Apple saved this woman’s life, we should be celebrating them, right? Wrong. Do you know the name of the co-worker that called 911 just a few seconds after the Apple Watch already did? Neither do I, because he is the true forgotten hero in this story. He walked into that room, saw what was happening, and immediately went into problem solving mode. You know what the nosy piece of metal on her wrist did? It proceeded to start a one-minute countdown that asked if she wanted to call for help. Apple, she was passed out. It is entirely unfair for you to ask her that question in her time of struggle, you savages. If you’re so good at spying on us that you knew she needed help, you didn’t need to flex on her like that just to show how good your response time is.
I personally don’t wear an Apple Watch. When I was young, I used to watch James Bond movies where he would talk into his watch and save the world, and it looked really cool. Now, they’ve become another piece of technology utilized by soccer moms to keep their hands free in the grocery store, which made it much less appealing to me. People will surely point to this as a reason to wear one. I disagree. Watches should be used to tell time. If your watch is constantly tracking your heart rate to check on your safety, what’s to stop you from having to justify an elevated heart rate to paramedics because you forgot to remove your watch before your ninety- seven seconds of self-intimacy. That’s obviously hypothetical, and not a story I’m telling from personal experiences that explains in more detail why I hate Apple Watches.