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An Average Day at Preschool Summer Camp

It’s currently 8:17 am and your five-year-old body is running on nothing but two Go-Gurts and pure adrenaline. It’s Friday at summer camp which means you not only get to go swimming at your local pool, but you also get McDonald’s for lunch. As you play outside at the park waiting for your camp counselor to call everyone inside, you realize that you forgot to pack your swim trunks before leaving the house this morning. Suddenly, all of the joy from swinging around on the monkey bars disappears and your eyes start to well up with tears. Before you completely melt down at the thought of not being able to jump off the diving board later that day, it occurs to you that crying is not an option. Now that you’re going to be a kindergartener next year, it was time to take Mom’s advice and “stop being a p*ssy” (or whatever she would yell at Dad every night). 

By the time you came up with some viable options to solve your swim trunk issue (skinny-dipping was the top contender), your camp counselor Alexis calls you inside to lineup for attendance. At the youthful age of five years old, you were still unaware of the “wonders of a woman”, but something about Alexis would make you feel all tingly and warm inside. Although you caught her multiple times making out in the bathroom with the other male counselors, a part of you knew that she still had a special place in her heart for you. So, as she walked by you while taking attendance, you politely ask, “Do you have an extra swimsuit I can borrow for the pool today?”. To your surprise, everyone else starts to giggle at what you thought was an extremely legitimate and pressing question. Alexis completely ignores you and continues on with attendance, leaving you with no swim trunks and a broken heart. 

For the rest of the morning, the counselors led everyone through a wide variety of activities, but you can’t get yourself to enjoy any of them. Until you had swim trunks for the pool, your day would just be ruined. Not even the thought of a McNugget Happy Meal or Alexis in her thong bikini could cheer you up – and that’s saying a lot considering those are your favorite two things in the entire world. After you finish snack time (another Go-Gurt), the counselors round everyone up onto the bus for the pool. You consider asking the bus driver if he has an extra swimsuit, but you figure it’s probably best not to since you caught him touching your friend Billy that one time. 

What was supposed to be an exciting bus ride to the pool has turned into an utter disaster as you sit completely defeated with your head pressed up against the window. But, upon pulling into the pool parking lot, you see a car very similar to the one your mom drives up by the entrance. “Could it be?”, you think to yourself as you pray for a miracle. As you get off the bus, your mom rolls down the car window and holds out your Spider-Man swim trunks. You rush over to grab them, thanking her for saving you from having to ask the bus driver. 

After changing into your trunks, you spend the rest of the day jumping off the high-dive, playing with your Happy Meal toy, and trying to steal one of those SpongeBob ice creams from the concession stand. Even though you only get a couple of hours at the pool, it’s all worth it since you get to secretly check out Alexis while she neglects the rest of the campers as she tans. As you get back on the bus to head home, you already are imagining how awesome next Friday at the pool will be, that is, if you remember your swim trunks.

Written by the godfather

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