Bobby D'Angelo
She wakes up to a voicemail from an unknown number, immediately igniting a panic attack. Sure, it’s most likely a telemarketer trying to sell her insurance, but she got high last night and watched thirty minutes of Tinder Swindler, so unless you’re the Uber driver she vented to from last weekend or her Dad, you’re probably a serial killer. She walks into her kitchen, where her roommate is concocting a smoothie that will give her a two PM appointment with diarrhea and begins eating something that she won’t remember eating later because as soon as nutrition enters the female body it exits the female mind. For no reason at all, she just starts saying “uncaaat geeems,” which creates a domino-like effect throughout her household, in which the echoes of celsius tops being popped and “uncaaat geeems” could be heard from zip codes away.
The difference between what brand of beanie she puts on is how you can tell the difference between a woman from the east coast instead of the west coast. Girls from the west coast wear that beanie with that yellow smiley face thing; girls with the east coast wear a Carhart one- which is ironic because a dude dipping in his F150 and an AXO with 4,000 followers on Instagram rock the same headwear.
Her first class sucked, but she did sneak in a solid eCommerce section between taking notes so organized Howie Mandel would wife them. Her phone starts buzzing like Jerry Seinfeld in ’06 because Trisha Paytas is pregnant on her way back from class. This causes her to Mr. Krabs swirl, she’s a fan of Trisha Paytas, but Trisha Paytas is also why eleven LA therapists drive BMWs. When she gets back to her apartment, she decides to hit the gym. This is where I feel bad for girls. For guys, there are like six different types of guys that go to the gym: bulk grilled chicken guy, occasional workout rush-shirt guy, a bigger king that’s improving himself while also recording a five-second clip of him hitting triceps so he can go viral on Tik Tok, ect. There are only two types of girls that go to the gym: Gymshark girl chasing a manscaped deal and ordinary girls.
After a long day, it’s maybe 4:11 PM, before she gets to homework, a nap, and maybe some reality television, she opens up Tik Tok to a severely mentally ill man who resembles a much hotter guy that got assaulted recapping her day. That man is me.
