Bobby D'Angelo
She wakes up at 10:17 AM because today is a sleep-in day, and the influencer on her for your page who made a Tik Tok drinking a celsius and eating a banana at seven in the morning before heading to the gym can fuck right off. She walks into her kitchen to toast a bagel. There are certain looks through life dubbed iconic: Muhammid Alli posing with his hands up, JT and Britney in denim, and a college chick in an oversized hoodie eating a bagel and sitting criss cross applesauce on a coach sticky with Franzia. Briannachickenfry really needs to get her shit together, her roommate echoes from the other side of the room while taking her second bowl before eleven in the morning.
Today is a big day. With formal on the docket this weekend, she has to get a tan and her hair done while also ensuring that her academic career doesn’t spiral worse than the kid that played Corey in the House. Her appointments aren’t until two, so she decides to get dressed and drive over to the library, where she will receive a parking ticket that drives her father *this* much closer to a stroke. Why Universities make finding parking harder than finding the clitoris, God knows. Before entering the library, she has to pass through the island of misfit toys. On any given day, there will be one group of psychotic elderly people protesting gay people’s right to eat pretzels (or something of that matter) and a group protesting-their protest with pretzels taped to their nipples and a rainbow flag. In an effort not to seem like a bigot, even though the entire charade is ridiculous, she grabs a pamphlet from a theater kid dressed like Puritan Salem went slutty, and makes her merry way up the library steps.
College libraries are fun because they are the only place where you can watch a fraternity pledge have a mental breakdown in a gimp suit, see someone that peed your bed when they stayed the night and pay six dollars for a coffee. Fifteen minutes into researching for her paper due Monday, she decides to take a break and scroll Tik Tok on two volume bars. This is when she sees an influencer that she likes advertising for Revolve, which propagates college girls into buying their clothes with the effectiveness of late 1930s Germany. She fights off the urge to fall victim to fast fashion and continues to surf JSTOR better than Bethany Hamilton.
When her appointments finally arrive, she gets into her car and puts an old playlist on shuffle. As she listens to He Could Be The One by Hannah Montana in traffic, she begins to ponder whether or not the guy she has to paint a cooler for later, who is wearing the same Vancouver Grizzlies Mike Bibby Jersey in three out of six of his Instagram pictures, could; in fact, be the one. Probably not, but let’s romanticize about it anyway.
When she finally makes it back home, drained, with only a night class standing between her and reality TV, she decides to lay down for twenty-five minutes.
