It’s 9:22 AM and you wake up next to a human being that at times has looked so radiant you’ve fantasized about a future life together in Suburbs while listening to Morgan Wallen, but at this moment in time has so much dry drool on her mouth that she kind of looks Tyrone Biggums. You have to pee, and you’re kind of hungry, but the second you begin the process of getting out of bed, she hits you with this little moan. The truth is that girls are only ever half asleep, and It’s her way of communicating with you that if you get up, she’ll fucking kill you. If you make her start her day right now, she will do what the woman from Shutter Island did to her kids but to everyone you’ve ever cared about. So you decide its best to give up on taking a piss and flip her over to spoon. Without hesitation, your subconscious realizes that you’re two clothing layers away from basically doing anal. You’re fella downstairs in shanking her like the Clinton family threw him some money, and his cellmate saw something he shouldn’t have. It’s your reproductive system saying hey, I’m here. I’m ready to fucking party, your ready to fucking party? I brought Trulys and an eight ball… let’s have fun! This leads to her giving you another moan which is her way of saying why the fuck would you think I would want to do that right now.
Defeated by your body’s perpetual hunger to throw swimmers into anything cavernous with the climate of Florida, you give up and open up Tik Tok, where on your second scroll you see a guy without arms playing the xylophone on live. I don’t know why Tik Tok live is a collection of people without limbs playing instruments, but that’s just how it is I guess. Eventually, after fifteen minutes, she gets up and lets out a yawn while stretching, kind of like a cat. She smiles at you, and you immediately know that this means- you’re going to brunch. Girls and brunch go together like Uncles and being racist. Brunch is silly, and everyone likes to be silly. As you get your day ready with a five-minute shower, she begins the process of putting on makeup to one of six Spotify playlists. I used to not understand why girls love doing this so much, but then I realized I too, would probably like to make myself more confident while listening to music. If it was socially acceptable for me to have six beers and stare at myself to my favorite music before going out, I probably would. *reenactment* As she does this and you have time to kill, you pace around thinking of responses you’d have if Joe Rogan ever interviewed you. Mid-way through your response to Joe about what the future of America looks like, she tells you that she’s ready, and you pretend you were just checking your email in another room. You call an Uber that will have a name that sounds like it came from a brainstorming session for a Disney+ supporting character and agree with your girlfriend that yes, it is rude that she watches the Tik Toks her friend sends her, and her friend ignores the Tik Toks she sends her friend.
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