An Average Night At The Casino With Your Boys

Four of you pile into some shitty 98’ Toyota Corolla. Your fifth buddy attempts to file in, but with the casino being a 30 minute drive away, the group decides there is not enough space to squeeze three in the back and ultimately drives away leaving him in the dust.

You begin your descent and the vibes are immaculate. The hype music is blasting, road sodas begin to be cracked open, and you all start discussing your “strategies.” Though their complexity level is a mere “let’s play blackjack by the book and take the house for all they got,” the morale in the room is off the charts. There is a feeling of hope spread throughout the car that now smells like the back room of a strip club. It’s almost as if you have all already won and are returning home with thousands in hard cold cash. While it hasn’t yet happened yet, you truly don’t see a scenario where that won’t be the case.

You arrive at your destination and walk inside, visibly shaking with excitement. The four of you strut inside like it’s Ocean’s Eleven and you are all about to tear this casino to the ground. As you make your way to the lowest limit blackjack table, you realize that there is no $10 minimum and immediately reconsider all of your plans.

Heading towards the $15 minimum, you are met with crowds of low-life degenerates who are missing both teeth and dignity. There are no spots to sit at any BJ table with a lower minimum than $25 and as the self-respecting (and broke) guy you are, there is just no way that is going to happen.

What comes next is the classic “split-up.” Some of you will get antsy waiting for a spot and decide that you’ll try your hand at the $25 tables, others will head over to roulette or craps, and one or two of you will stay and keep waiting for a seat to open up. Though planned to be a temporary split, odds are the four of you won’t all be together again for at least 2-3 hours.

During this split period, a lot is going on. One of you is bound to lose absolutely everything and rebuy in at an ATM. One of you will go up a decent amount of money and start looking for the others to brag. And the other two will struggle, bouncing around from up big to down bigger and eventually back to around even. Oh, and also you are all now blacked due to the amazing free drink policy in casinos that truly embodies America.

Now drunk and down on your luck, you all instinctively get up from your tables and look to find each other. When you meet up, you all go over what has happened over the past couple of hours. The guy that is up obviously goes first, while the dude who took more money out of the machine declines to mention that part of the evening.

Now late at night with the casino significantly less crowded, the four of you decide to sit down at an empty roulette table to finally play together. The dude who is up and the dude who is down begin to play recklessly. They’re playing both the inside and outside with unit sizes you’ve never seen before nor can actually afford. Things go well for a bit causing one of the two even players to join in on the strat.

Fast forward 15 minutes and 10 spins later, no one is up any money and one guy has completely lost everything.

You pack in the car once again, music off and no one talking. The vibes are beyond atrocious and you can’t even fathom to look at your bank account. Then, the one guy who ended up even begins to talk about his “awful beat,” which in turn infuriates the rest of the group who has now lost their 401Ks. All hell breaks loose.

After about a 10 minute screaming match that seems like it will never end, the car passes some golden arches. The driver takes a life-threatening sharp left turn and pulls into the drive-thru, fully prepared to spend the remaining $6 he has to his name. Now, with some chicken nuggies and Big Macs in hand, the vibes have finally been restored.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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