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An Average Night Out As A Girl

I’ve seen Bobby’s blog about an average night out in college. So now, I’d like to lend you the girl’s perspective of an average night out.

We start with “the nap.” The nap usually comes at dinner hours. This way you are well rested for your night and also you skip dinner. Skipping dinner is essential to get belligerently drunk. After the nap, you have the stripper bath. All girls know the stripper bath. However, for any boy reading, the stripper bath is where you don’t get your face or hair wet, you just wash your body. Usually, this bath is used to shave. Shaving in college is rough because you shave multiple times a week. You never know when you need to be as hairless as a baby! If you shave more than once a week, your skin gets pissed off. So after the shower, we do damage control. Trying to get our skin to chill out with some cream our dermatologist gave us and lotion.

Now we get ready. Makeup is everywhere. On our hands, walls, light switches, etc. We start pregaming while drinking. Usually, this is a shitty cocktail put in a coffee mug because that is the only clean cup. While getting ready we are full-on gossiping. Talking shit.

We spend 30 minutes picking out our outfits, even though boys don’t even care. Once we pick out our shitty Brandy Melville crop top of the night, which looks like everyone else’s top, we start listening to throwbacks. We still are gossiping so now we just have to yell over our JBL speaker playing Lil Mama’s lipgloss. Other girlfriends come over. Unfortunately, our female brains compare ourselves to everything. So once we see what our friends are wearing, we change……again. We all text our perspective fun/attractive guy friends with a “what are you up to” to find out where the hottest location of the night is. Some guy’s name is brought up and we nominate the girl he likes the best to text him. It’s usually the hottest friend who also happens to make march madness brackets. That way the guys want to hang out with her because they have something uncommon to talk about… but they also want to hook up with her. If the girl is interested in him is irrelevant. We are just trying to get an invite to the parties.

Finally, we are slurring our words and liking old flames Instagram pics. This is a sure sign that we are done cooking and are ready to head out. We decide which house party/bar to hit and call the uber.

We are cheap and call the regular Uber instead of the XL. Because we are cute girls, uber lets us sit on each other’s laps.

We arrive at the location. The guys are already drunk. You can tell when a guy you know is drunk because all of the sudden their hand cannot leave your lower back. Anytime they walk by you, even if they’re not interested, they have to touch you. It’s absurd. I’d say boys should stop doing that, but it also is helpful to us girls in knowing how wasted you are and if you’re interested in us.

We take our place on the couch, hoping our crushes will sit next to us. When the crush misses the opportunity to sit next to us, we then move to a closer location. Hoping our crush won’t miss the signals again. He always does. Finally, we ask him “where is the bathroom” or “can I have a beer” just for some kind of attention. We strike up a conversation and things are going great. Girls always know when you like them. ALWAYS, If you don’t act on your interest, that’s your fault. No reason to be embarrassed or fear rejection. We already know you like us. We are getting a little cozy and chatting when the sloppy girlfriend loses their shit and ruins the night for the hundredth time.

The sloppy friend is in every friend group. She steals the scene every night with a dramatic exit. This exist forces the whole friend group to leave. If you stay, you are viewed as a shitty friend, which isn’t fair, but it is girl code. So deal with it. Now we are forced to go back to our apartment and help our friend sober up or calm her from an emotional episode. Luckily this doesn’t take long. She’s tired. Most likely, similar to a small child, she’s crying because she’s exhausted. We all realize we never ate dinner. Then the post-game begins. Every snack is brought out of the cabinets. Mostly it’s protein bars and dumb shit like that. We are all so pissed that we were trying to eat healthy this week.

This is the part of the night where the crush could salvage the night by texting us and asking if we want to get food. Unfortunately, men are delicate and too afraid of rejection to reach out. But don’t fret, he will text you eventually.

After it is clear that the crush isn’t going to text us. We take off our makeup, drink water, and have life chats. This is my favorite part of the night. We debrief. Talk about who was being flirty or creepy, and who was the most fun. Finally, we head to bed. Just then, we see our crush texted us. It’s too little too late. Why did he wait three hours to text me? By now, I’m over it and just happy that I remembered my debit card and put on moisturizer.

All in all, it’s a fun night. Wouldn’t change a thing.

Written by Caroline Bano

Super boring girl with mediocre personality....but I'm hot. Read my blog. NYC.

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