Sophomore girls are interesting to me. They fit somewhere between headhunting for a boyfriend their junior year and getting with anyone with letters in their Instagram bio their freshman year. From the age of 16 on, I think that every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I’ve watched the same Snapchat story unfold from a Sophomore girl’s previous night out and about. A night that often began far earlier than 50 Cent serenading her ears on a shitty SoundCloud remix as she applies $11 of Sephora on her face. The following is a timeline of that Snapchat story.
Six months prior: “anyone want to get in on a new fake order?!?” was texted in her group chat appropriately named “SigChi Sluts😩😤👅🌟⭐️.” She lost one while visiting her friend at her state’s school and knew that this last one was one formal away from being snatched at the hands of a man who very much did not enjoy her insistence that he should allow her to get multiple drinks at a time because this line is “crazyyyy long.”
4:27 pm: “oh my god, my liver is literally begging me to stay in tonight. How much coke do you think we need for tonight?! I’m gonna get my little sooo drunk” her best friend uttered to her in the final class of the day. She was picking an outfit in her imagination and strategically analyzing her roster of guys, for which she will choose the one that ignores her the most, because as we all know all too well: nice guys finish last.
5:56 pm: With 2 grams of Central America’s finest export in purse and two handles of Tito’s in BMW trunk, it’s time to nap and get some beauty sleep before a night of overworking her kidneys and vagina like LeBron on the 2016 playoff Cavs.
8:03 pm: The girls are all ready, and their littles come through. This is usually the first Snapchat on our timeline. The sorority little will work every angle, every filter, and everything she can to make sure her “biggie” and company have the best-looking picture possible. This is an extensive process that almost always includes a few comments along the lines of “Oh my god if you post that, I will literally murder you” and “Oh my god I actually look like a potato.”
8:09 pm: this is where we get our second photo on tonight’s timeline. “Cutest little” or the classic, “OMG my babies.” I have noticed during this picture there will always be a freshman or two wearing cheetah print of some kind because apparently, it’s sexy to go out looking like a zoo exhibit with tits.
9:14 pm: Alcohol in veins; they are ready for some testosterones. This is when she throws on THE pink cowboy hat- you know exactly what I’m talking about. Nothing makes a girl happier than taking pictures in a cowboy hat for two minutes that she thinks are hilarious, then leaving eleven dollars worth of Party City merchandise in the bathroom she was just doing blow in.
10:51 pm: A 2008 Red Toyota Sienna has pulled up, courtesy of some horny son of a bitch with his Dad’s credit card. This is where Snapchat magic begins. After being informed of the lack of auxiliary utilities, the drunkest girl is ready to STORM the castle. She is in a full-fledge drunken speech and orally notes that she will be giving Viktor, a 32 war veteran discharged involuntarily, “two stars because of his attitude” Little does she know what Viktor has anger management, and the Snapchat audience will witness this fight between Viktor and Drunk Girl #5 amidst the caption “Our uber hates Katie😂”
11:23 pm: A brief video of her kind-of-hot-but-not-really roommate taking a shot while Travis Scott echoes in the background. Nothing noteworthy.
12:43 am: Ever wanted to hear three sweaty drunk girls screech the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody? If you answered yes, you’re in luck.
2:03 am: Drunk Girl #5 from before; she has quite literally been in and out of passing out on her piece of pizza. All the other girls are still up, and two gentlemen are featured who are already thinking of baseball statistics to last longer and, by the grace of god, allow someone’s daughter to orgasm. Drunk Girl #5 will hate this in the morning, but it’s a perfect end to our coming-of-age movie.