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An Average Workout at Your College Rec Center

It’s currently 1:17 pm and you’ve just woken up in a puddle of what you think is your own sweat (piss isn’t out of the question), realizing that you’ve missed your Friday discussion for the third straight week. Although you’re still passing all your classes, a wave of guilt rushes over you for allowing alcohol to turn you degenerate, so you decide to make productive use of the rest of your day until you go out drinking again. After debating for a good fifteen minutes on what homework you should start, you decide that all of your assignments are a Sunday issue and choose to hit the gym instead. After chugging a possibly expired protein shake and dry-scooping enough pre-workout to kill an infant, you head on over to your campus rec center. 

By the time you get to the gym, it’s nearly 3:00 pm and pretty much everyone is finished with their classes for the day, which means the gym is PACKED. Your original plan was to hit chest, but as soon as you scan in, it’s pretty apparent that everyone also had that same idea. So, you pivot to the next best option (that isn’t legs) and head over to the shoulder press machine. As you’re about to sit down and begin your first set, you realize that both the seat and handles on the machine are absolutely douched in – once again – what you think is someone’s sweat. After scouring the entire gym for any sort of cleaning wipe or paper towel, you finally give up and just pray that you don’t contract some foul disease while struggling to perform a single press with good form. 

Once you finish on the shoulder press, you head over to the free weight section to attempt some exercises you saw in the Arnold documentary on Netflix. You somehow manage to grab a bench, but the only dumbbells available are either way too light or way too heavy. Since your gym crush is working out directly next to you, the only viable option is to choose the heavier weights, which quickly turns into a complete disaster. As you try to perform an exercise you’ve literally never done before, you end up making yourself look like even more of a wimp than if you chose the light dumbbells. After you fail miserably to complete even three reps properly, you set the weights down and glance over at your gym crush, expecting her to be giggling at you like the last time a female saw your package in an intimate setting. Thankfully, however, that one kid in the [insert douchey frat here] t-shirt is making a miserable attempt at rizzing her and took all the attention away from the pathetic set you just had. 

You finally finish up your workout around 4:45 pm and head to the locker room to grab your stuff. On the way into the locker room, you pass by a mirror and catch a glance of yourself not looking too shabby. After spending the next couple minutes subtly flexing and checking yourself out, you realize how dumb you look and quickly leave with your gym bag. Upon exiting the locker room, you run into your gym crush leaving as well. You make eye contact with her and she gives you a flirty smile, but before your brain processes the fact that you should talk to her, she’s already out the door. You leave the gym in complete misery, realizing that not only did you literally pee yourself this morning, but now figuratively as well. But, it’s now Friday night, which means you get to drown your sorrows in cheap alcohol and destroy any progress you made during the last two hours at the gym.

Written by the godfather

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