Stop me if you’ve heard this before; you’re scrolling through your Instagram feed. It’s a Jewish girl you know from the Northeast wearing a neon bikini, white air force ones, with a nose that facilitates a small Columbian village’s entire economic cycle. And where does she go? Well, after a rejection letter from Wake Forest, she decided to pursue a major in being an Instagram clout chasing with a minor in being a whore at the University of Miami. I’m not kidding you. For sorority girls that go there, a University of Miami degree comes with not only the school’s wildly improved reputation but also an expensive cocaine addiction and an eating disorder. I visited my best girl friend U Miami last spring break; straight up, it’s a fun time. For most of the school’s undergrads, money is not a problem, so we did a lot of beer die at our Airbnb, but the nightlife scene has everything you could want. You can go to an upscale club if you have a good fake, a frat pool party if you want to see girl wear no clothes and chunky shoes, or even a ratchet Fort Lauderdale bar where you can get sexually harassed by some gay kid named Jake-and never process it because you write for Total Frat Move and Whiskey is your way of coping with life’s many difficulties- not from personal experience though.
The guys at U Miami flex their money like a five-foot-five Mexican guy flexes his triceps in a designer Polo. The amount of money that goes into Fraternity tailgating at a school where few people actually give a fuck about football is astonishing. We are talking ice luges, eight-balls, and 65% of the state of Florida’s white claws. Some of the guys are so hilariously douchie, and some are great (I guess you will find that anywhere), but they all either wear their fraternity letters or a bougie ass polo. Because it’s a shirtless school, the guys are in good shape, the type of people that make Snapchats of them grilling chicken and think it’s impressive. I would say the average male student could bench a plate, but there is certainly a population of dude’s so rich that they don’t workout at all. FUCK YOU money kinds of guys with insane watches and a litany of Snapchats showing off Parking Tickets they’ve acquired on their BMW steering wheel.
The girls at the University of Miami don’t eat on Saturdays. I know this for a fact. They immensely rather spend their money on clothes for a theme party than a slice of pizza. A majority of lower-class Haitians consume more calories than any girl in Zeta there. There is a BIZARRE amount of competition between girls at this school. Because there are so many regular hot people that live in the city, girls at the University of Miami have created an environment so toxic that Gossip Girl’s Chuck Bass would be astonished. Sorority girls genuinely hate each other, and in almost every picture a UM girl posts, something is fake, ranging from their friendships to their noses/boobs. Girls also where clothes that are so expensive and stupid and fishnet six minutes of Google research couldn’t even give me a solidified result for a sentence in this paragraph. Like, why the fuck would you spend money on a body chain?! Individually, the girls are incredibly nice, and I’ve met down-to-earth people, but in the school’s bubble has more Drama than the NBA players in Orlando had.
Overall, I’m giving this place an 8.6. It’s a weird situation where U Miami is a phenomenal school, with the tendencies of Arizona State. I had a fun time on my visit, but I don’t think I would want to permanently go to a school like that, even if I had the financial resources to do so. So yeah, Miami fratboy reading this after taking a chop from his Illadelph, accurate or no?
PS: Shoutout Monty’s
PPS: I got so drunk at Monty’s I ended up getting a tattoo on my ass.