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Answering Fan Questions

I write blogs every day that get read by literally TENS of people, and because of that, I’ve amassed a fanbase that no longer just includes my mom and my girlfriend. They’re both still in it, but it’s a WAY bigger now, okay? Just trust me. Anyway, these fans often have lots of questions for me, so I thought I would take some time today to answer them.

Question:

“How do you come up with stuff to write every day?”

Answer:

People are blessed with lots of different gifts: Van Gogh was a brilliant artist, Einstein was a genius scientist, and Helen Keller was the greatest actress to ever live. I was blessed with crippling anxiety, which has caused me to share anything and everything that comes into my head if I think that it will be funny. I desperately seek validation through humor and have not learned how to deal with my issues in mature ways. Pretty sweet talent, no?

Question:

“Do long work weeks and stressful hours ever get to you?”

Answer:

I’m writing this blog from my bed, and I’m also not wearing pants. So, I guess the answer to that question would be yes?

Question:

“Does your fame ever get to your head?”

Answer:

Not at all. That’s mainly because I don’t have any fame. As shocking as this may be to find out, there are some people out there who haven’t heard of TFM. I must have terrible luck because I seem to run into almost exclusively those people. Shocker right? I thought everyone in America waited anxiously for Strokes to drop a new blog every day.

Question:

“How do you handle the negative feedback on your work?”

Answer:

Alcohol, mostly. It isn’t safe nor is it healthy.

Question:

“Do you think you’ll ever hang it all up and get a real job?”

Answer:

No. My internet footprint is riddled with poop humor, a detailed history of my masturbation, and borderline offensive jokes. I think a targeted Google search of my name will prevent many employers from ever considering me as a potential hire, so here’s to hoping this works out. I also double majored in English Writing and Spanish in college, so career options were limited already.

Question:

“Does your girlfriend get jealous of all the girls that read your blogs and immediately fall in love with you?”

Answer:

Tons of fans ask me this question, and they’re always surprised by the answer: weirdly enough, it has never been an issue.

Question:

“Have you ever thought about tackling something more profound than toilet humor in your writing?”

Answer:

I tried it once, but right in the middle of writing it, I desperately had to shit. It was one of those dumps that makes you question your sexuality. I looked in the bowl, and the poop was so perfectly penis shaped that I no longer wondered if a man’s dong could fit inside me. Seriously. I’ve seen guys in porn working with less than what I put in that porcelain.

To all my fan(s?) out there, I hope the answers I provided to these questions gave you satisfaction.

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Written by TFM

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