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Answering Freshmen’s FAQs

Hey freshmen! I hope your first few weeks of college have been going smoothly. I’m sure you’ve had a couple bumps in the road and nights on the bathroom floor, but that’s all part of the college experience. It takes time until you find your way and adjust to college life, but thankfully I’m here to help. Here are my answers to some typical questions you may have after your first month in college. 

My professor doesn’t take attendance, can I just stop showing up?

The short answer is yes. The long answer is probably. Personally, I wouldn’t go to class if attendance isn’t being taken, but that’s just because I’m a lazy sack of shit who writes stories of his drunken escapades for a living  (and by “for a living” I mean “for free”). If you’re actually trying to earn an education, then you should probably go to class. That said, odds are if you are reading this blog, education is not your top priority in college. So yeah, if all you want to do in college is sit around trying out new drugs and putting your body through the chop gauntlet, then sure you technically don’t need to go to class.

My roommate turned out to be whack. What should I do?

So it turns out the dude you met off Facebook isn’t gonna be your best friend for the next four years. Dang, what a bummer! No one would have seen that coming. What do you do now? He’s weird, annoying, and holding you back from befriending normal people, but you can’t just tell him he sucks right to his face… Can you? No, well at least not yet. Your course of action should be to cut him off. Basically, you want to act like he just doesn’t exist. That means only speaking to them when spoken to and definitely not responding until at least his third attempt at asking a question. You are going to want to implement the good ol’ Irish goodbye into your everyday life. That means whenever you go somewhere whether it’s the dining hall, class, or to meet up with some friends, you do not tell your roommate where you are going. This eliminates all chances of him tagging along, unless he directly asks you to come. If this happens, you are going to need to lie. Maybe say you have a group project meeting or are going to office hours. Eventually, after a couple weeks of complete and utter isolation, your roommate will get the hint. If for some reason they are so obliviously stupid that they still don’t get the message, then you can tell them they suck.

At what time does wearing pajamas to class become unacceptable?

Never. There are so many people in lecture halls that you are pretty much guaranteed to fly under the radar. Even if someone does realize that you are wearing slippers to a 4:00 PM class, who cares? If they think you’re weird, fuck them. Let them be uncomfortable wearing jeans and a belt for the next two hours. Chances are, you aren’t even wearing the strangest outfit in the room. There are freaks all throughout campus that will be sure to attract more attention than you even if you tried. The other day a girl in one of my classes walked in wearing fishnet stockings, high heels, and a leotard. The class was from 6:00-9:00 PM, so I am pretty confident that she was working as a hooker later that evening. Guess what happened. That’s right, absolutely nothing. No one said a word. No one laughed. No one even smirked. I honestly don’t know if anyone else even realized. So, yeah, go ahead and wear your PJ’s, no one will bat an eye.

Can I take things home from the dining hall?

Not only is it allowed, it’s highly encouraged. When I was a freshman, someone told me that the price of our meal plan accounted for stolen goods. Like there was an extra fee added on at the beginning just because the school assumes you take extra stuff home with you. Whether or not that is true, who knows? Doesn’t matter. The point is, meal plans are expensive and you are a broke college kid, so take anything you need. And I truly mean anything. Bring some tupperware and grab like 30 pieces of grilled chicken as your “meal prep.” Or stuff dozens of cookies in your backpack as late night munchies. Craving waffles but are sick of microwaved Egos? Steal a waffle maker. Oh, and don’t forget to bring some silverware with you. Seriously, nothing is off-limits. 

I’ve had a sore throat and cough ever since I got here. Am I dying?

No, that’s completely normal. Everyone at every college ever has and will always be sick. Most of the time it’s a simple cold or chlamydia, but it ranges. Some days you will wake up and cough up mysterious colored loogies. Sometimes it’s blood, but usually not. It’s just part of life in college. Maybe it’s the mountain of tobacco you pour onto all your bowls, or possibly it’s the fact that your drink of choice is vodka straight from the communal bottle, but don’t let that stop you from enjoying yourself. Trust me, after a couple years of constant headaches and fatigue, you’ll become immune and the feeling will just vanish away like Alvin Kamara’s felony punishment.

Do I really need to wear a condom?

It depends on the state you’re in now.

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Written by Alex Becker

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