At 81, Martha Stewart is On the Cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition

Martha Stewart is an interesting case of what fame can do to a person. She became famous in the 80’s for writing cookbooks, and over the years became an icon in the home making community. She now goes to the cover of one of the few magazines that teenagers across the country still might masturbate to… at the age of EIGHTY-ONE YEARS OLD.

I must say, I was shocked to read the headline, but more shocked to see the pictures. This made me more sexually confused than that one time in middle school your friend zoomed on a picture of Caitlyn Jenner’s butt and convinced you to say it was hot. As much as I hate to say it, Martha Stewart looks pretty good on that cover. I’m not saying I would bang Martha Stewart. I’m a few months away on my current dry streak from achieving that level of down bad, but damn it the woman does not look out of place on that cover. 

This is the same woman who went to jail for fraud, and became business partners and friends with Snoop Dogg. Her resume is all over the place, in the most insane way possible. I’m all for old people keeping their inner youth and living their best life. My only complaint about Martha Stewart is the fact that she briefly made me attracted to someone old enough to be my grandmother. They should’ve hid her in the middle of the issue somewhere with a note that reads, “If born before 1980, turn to page x.” Maybe I wouldn’t have had to write 300 words about something that would be better off discussed in a therapist’s chair. 

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Written by TFM

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