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Atlantic City: Tips and Tricks

Feeling lucky? Feeling depressed? Neither? Both? If you answered yes to any of these,  Atlantic City might just be the place for you. I recently went to the City that is “always turned on” for the first time and let me tell you, this is a town that every American should go to at least once. However, most people don’t know the Casino game very well and thus are scared to hit it.

Luckily for you, I lost my A.C virginity (and 200$) recently, and I am going to give you all the lessons you need beforehand to have a great time. 

How to Strike it big:

I get it, you’re not fucking around. You came to New Jersey on a business trip. There are a few different ways to make your fortune, so let’s get into it. 

Poker:

Poker is not the way to make big money at a casino. It’s really fun if you’re into it, and casinos offer every type of form you can imagine. 

Craps:

Craps is like if TENET was a gambling game, I have no fucking idea what is going on. They tell me “Mike, you want to roll a seven”. Ok, gimmie that seven baby! Then they say “not after the first roll”. Make up your god damn mind, Jack. In the end, If you like throwing dice, yelling, or crying this is the game for you.

Black Jack:

Now this is the game to make it big. Most people play Blackjack based on card values, but if you want to make serious money, you and your buddies should get into counting cards. My suggestion is to watch “21”, get some addy in your system and hit the casino with the boys. 

And it’s a win-win because even if you get caught, Pit bosses are notoriously understating and empathic people who are not afraid to give you a second chance. 

Go on a Tuesday afternoon if you want to see bottom-tier cocktail waitresses. 

I went with my Dad and I’m extremely poor, so I was double cock blocked to begin with, but going on a weekday afternoon didn’t help the cause either. It’s not so much that these girls were unattractive as much as they were three times my age. Say what you want though, these gals HUSTLED. They busted their buns to get me that Corona in a 45-minute time slot. Doris, Evelyn, and Philis proved that it’s always about heart in the gambling business. 

I get it though, you’re saying “Mike, I like MILF’s as much as the next guy, but how about a parlor maid in her prime?”

Say no more! If you want to be waited on hand and foot by the elite waitresses, my best advice is to be rich and good at gambling. You don’t even need both of these, just be rich. Use this advice, and the hottest women in Southern New Jersey are yours.

Who Will I see at the casino? 

There are different types of people that venture into Casinos. It’s always best to know who you’re gonna come across ahead of time. 

The Tourist:

The tourist seldom, if ever, gambles. To them losing in the casino is a part of the vacation- but be warned, if this fella gets enough drinks in his system, he turns into the low roller. 

The Low Roller: 

If this guy is in Atlantic City for his annual vacation, it means he saved up for a year to take his ugly family to an adult playground. It’s gonna cost him a couple of bucks to dream about moving up a social class, but he’s ok with it. New Jersey has great state schools anyway, and, as A$AP Rocky says, the kids turned out fine. 

The Regular:

Somehow this guy is sadder than the tourist. He loses a little bit of money, but he does it every day. This guy is like those mountain goats in Asia that risk their lives to lick salt off mountainsides; by every measure, the risk is not worth the reward, yet they can’t stop themselves from doing it.  

Half of Asia:

This one surprised me, and I have no problem with it, but be prepared to run into half of the Asian population when you go to Atlantic City. Not half of the Asian American population, half of the population of Asia itself. They love gambling, and they are really, REALLY good at it. Do not fuck with them. I tried to pick up Pai Gow and I lost $60 in ten minutes. An expensive lesson, but one that needed to be learned. 

None of this is gambling advice, and if you take it as gambling advice then you legitimately deserve to lose all your money. 

What do you think?

Written by tfmdirtymike

4 Comments

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  1. I’ve always wanted to go to AC but I’ve always thought?! Man what do I do there?! Not anymore!!! Thanks to another great article by TFMDirtyMike I now know how to DOMINATE the Atlantic City scene. Bravo, Dirty Mike, BRAVO!

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