Australia Loves To Party As The Rugby And Rowing Teams Were Punished For Partying Too Hard

What better way to wind down after you competed your balls off than partying your ass off? Everybody who has visited a college went to college, knows anything about college knows that rugby houses are an animal like no other. They party the hardest, drink the most, and do the most drugs. There is no such thing as alcohol tolerance with them. They go far above that, and I guess we can add the rowing team to that animal species. It makes sense if you’re tackling each other with no pads that you can handle a couple of dozen beers like it’s nothing. I don’t know how the rowing teams can be such animals; they are just rowing. You mix in the fact that they are Australian; they are a force to be reckoned with. If everything in your country wants to kill you, what better excuse is there to drink and build up your tolerance?

Australian media is reporting that members of the men’s rowing and rugby teams left their rooms in Tokyo’s Olympic Village in “a messy and unacceptable state,” according to the Australian Olympic Committee. Crimes against decorum included a hole in a wall, a destroyed cardboard bed, and vomit in a location where vomit is not supposed to be. 


I’ve talked about how Japan didn’t want Olympians to fuck, so they gave them cardboard beds. Well, it looks like that didn’t stop the Australians. They weren’t jumping up and down the beds, throwing beds; no, they were having an orgy. The Olympic village likes to fuck, and who knows what kind of kinky shit was happening with many drunk Australians. That hole in the wall wasn’t by angry rugby players; nope, it was from somebody’s head while they were getting railed from behind. I like how they say vomit where it’s not supposed to be. If the vomit is anywhere other than the toilet, it’s in a place where it shouldn’t be. Once again, I blame an orgy.

Also at issue: the case of missing mascots. Life-sized (but fortunately not actually live) mascots of an emu and a kangaroo vanished from the Australian team’s residences. A wide-ranging, and surely calm and measured, search found the mascots in the vicinity of the German delegation. Hmmm.


This is some good ole fashion hijinks. Colleges do it to each other where they fuck with their rival’s mascots, and it looks like Germany did the same to Australia. Or the other option is that Germany was also partying with Australia and, in their drunken stupor, thought it would be hilarious to steal the mascots. We have all done something extremely dumb while hammered and thought it was the funniest thing. I remember my friend and I ran down a street in the middle of a blizzard and drew dicks on everycar. At that moment, we thought we were pulling off the greatest bit known to mankind.

I have to tip my hat to the Australian rugby and rowing team. With it being nearly impossible to watch these Olympics, no fans, and no crazy storylines, they finally made the Olympics interesting.

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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