The date is March 28, 2020, also known as my twentieth birthday. At this point, I’ve been home for three weeks amid Coronavirus, and I’ve lost a fourth of my Sophomore year of college. I’m bored, disappointed, and I haven’t seen a real-life woman in weeks. Around noon, a voice in my head tells me to log on to my laptop and see what I can stir up. I decided to join Facebook groups that would have EXTREMELY hyper-political white women that needed to be angry at someone or something as badly as I needed to be entertained. The target: a Facebook group of 300,000 titled “NYC Moms.” I choose a stock photo of a man who’s face says, “I side with Donald Sterling,” and my fingers do the rest.
Fellow parents of NYC, it appears that those of us who are unlucky enough to have teenage daughters are facing a rude awakening. My daughter has recently turned eighteen and was supposed to attend an elite collegiate institution in the Dallas area… that was until four days ago where I discovered what she listens to in her free time. I was in my study, closing a rough day of laying off employees due to COVID-19 when I decided that seeing my beautiful little girl would make my day a little less stressful, but what I walked in on almost gave me a heart attack. There is a podcast produced by the popular media brand, Barstool Sports, called Call Her Daddy. The show consists of two twenty-somethings giving young girls like my daughter advice on oral sex, sharing graphic sexual stories, and raving bout the experiences that come with practicing unsafe sex before marriage. That is literally what the entire show is based upon. I walked in on my daughter (and it pains me so much to share this with my entire town), practicing aforementioned tips on various kinds of fruits she must have found around our kitchen. My wife, who is of the liberal-mumbo-jumbo mindset that it is pro-feminism to allow young girls to be sexually at liberty to make their own decisions, was PROUD of my daughter. This caused inexplicable strife in my marriage, and I immediately decided that my next course of action was to send my wife and daughter to a hotel room in Midtown after taking their cell phones away. I’m disgusted. Amidst the hysteria of this China virus please don’t forget our first job and most important job: being a parent. Parents, please, come one, come all and guide me with advice on what to do next. My relationship with my family is hanging by a thread. And please, please talk with your kids about Call Her Daddy.
The responses were extraordinary. Thousands and thousands of people were IRATE, but here are my favorites.
AND THE CHERRY ON TOP
Best Birthday Ever.