Best America Stuff

Cheap, Low-Quality, Delicious Beer

Is there anything better than spending an incredibly small amount of money on a thirty-rack of beer that’s going to get you real drunk? Some snobs will scoff at its taste, but real Americans know that as long as it’s cold, it’s delicious. Sure, you’ll end up taking off every article of clothing during your shit the next morning, but that’s the price we have to pay for freedom. God Bless beer.

Fast Food

There’s something that just screams U.S.A about deciding that instead of making the pasta you bought at the grocery store a few days ago, meant specifically for a certain night of the week, you’re going to drop $11 on food that is slowly driving your cholesterol to dangerous levels. Do we care? No. Because it’s the U.S. of god damn A, and if we want to eat like slobs, that’s what we do.


Every Sunday for about five months, millions of Americans sit down in front of their televisions to cheer on the progression of CTE amongst men paid millions of dollars to run around doing things most of us can only dream of athletically. We exclaim in joy, we cry tears of pure agony, and our weeks are determined by whether or not a group of men can secure a win on any given Sunday. It’s a beautiful dependence that screams liberty.


You know which is the only country that has a holiday dedicated solely to stuffing your face with the most delicious foods you can make? That’s right. America. Bitch and moan all you want about every thing that we have going wrong in America, but nowhere else in the world has Thanksgiving. Automatic America Dub.


It doesn’t matter if it’s for a concert, the World Series, or a Saturday during college football season. Standing outside, barbecuing, playing drinking games, and getting blackout drunk has to be the most patriotic thing any freedom lover can do.

In all seriousness, let’s remember that even though maybe our country is going through a rough time, we still live in the greatest place you can imagine. The problems we have are both solvable and worth solving, but don’t forget that there are a lot of people who would give their lives for their children to have the chance to live in America – problems and all. Don’t be the asshole that says we shouldn’t be celebrating the Fourth of July because some bad shit has been happening. You can want change (that’s what America is based on), but to say “Fuck this country” is selfish and deluded. There are a lot of people who would trade places with you in a heartbeat, so stop being a pussy, drink a beer, and celebrate the greatest country on Earth. God Bless America.

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Written by TFM

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