Getting to the age where your parents start letting you stay home alone is a pretty liberating feeling. For me, it was the age of fourteen because of my pyromaniac tendencies in the microwave in my youth. Unlike other symbols of freedom, such as learning to drive, this one never really gets old. Whether you live with roommates, parents, a girl, or all of the above in some type of Shameless situation, being home alone never gets old. Here are the best parts about being home alone.
Open Disgustingness
Most mornings, I walk down stairs and grab something like an egg, or a pop-tart for breakfast to present some image of health to my roommates. On mornings that I wake up to an empty house, I act like a bear who stumbled into a cabin with a full pantry. I put peanut butter on things that don’t deserve it. I’ll pound some milk straight out of the bottle. No matter what your personal, disgusting routine may entail, we all have one when there is no audience to uphold societal standards. And it always feels incredible.
Public Nudity
This is one of the most popular home alone hobbies as far as I’m concerned, and for good reason too. Who doesn’t love hanging snake after getting out of the shower. Now who doesn’t love doing that with free range of your entire house. You get to let your manhood fly in the wind for as long as you’d like, with no shame or embarrassment whatsoever. In my opinion, maintaining this freedom is the best reason I’ve heard to not getting a pet. We all know they look at you in shame when you’re naked in front of them.
Exploring Private Areas
I’m a big fan of the mindless wandering that happens while talking on the phone. I’m an even bigger fan of doing it in other people’s rooms, for no apparent reason. When home alone, I’ll go through my roommates’ cabinets, and look at all of their stuff for no particular reason. It’s not like they can tell me not to. Then I can make subtle comments about the things I found in their room. Holding that information above your friends will be almost as good as going through their stuff in the first place.
Intimate Time in Weird Places
This is a fun one. Typically, I spend my one-on-one time in my bed, with a locked door, and a poster of Alexandra Daddario attached to my ceiling. When I know that my roommates won’t be home for the next eleven minutes, I treat myself to a trip somewhere else in the house. Whether it is standing near the entrance to the front door, sitting in a shared bathroom, or curled up in front of the laundry machine, the new set of options never fails to add some interest into my life. I imagine that all other guys do the exact same thing.
Creating Elaborate Traps for Robbers
One great way to kill time when by yourself at the house, is to create an incredibly elaborate set of traps to prevent a pair of unarmed burglars from breaking into your house. If Joe Pesci is one of the robbers, it’s even more fun.
My roommates should probably hire me a babysitter.
