Alex Becker
You and the boys have just come back from the sesh. You all snuggle up on the couch and stare at the remote. No one wants to be in charge of putting something on the television. Not only are you too zooted to choose what to watch, but whatever is on needs to be brainless enough where you don’t need to think, yet also stimulating enough so you don’t fall asleep and drool on your friend’s shoulder. It’s a very fine line, but luckily for you I’m a film major with absolutely no motivation in life so I have the perfect list for you. Here are the best things to watch after lighting up.
The Jerry Springer Show
This is some of the greatest programming to ever grace television screens across the globe. It’s hard to explain what this show is about, but here it goes. Basically, two people aggressively argue and curse each other out in front of both a live studio audience and the former mayor of Cincinnati. Oh, also it will most definitely result in physical violence. Now, why the two people are fighting could be for a whole slew of reasons — could be cheating, giving of STDs, lying about not having penis, or any other batshit crazy situation people seem to get themselves in. Some of the best episodes include, “A Man Marries A Horse,” “Sex Worker Loses Her Teeth,” and “Little People, Big Problems,” just to name a few. Yes, they are all real people with true stories. This show is funny enough to have you gasping for air, yet also intense enough for you to become emotionally invested about whether Tom is going to stay with his wife Amy or leave for a new life with his stripper girlfriend Saphire.
Live PD
If you like shows with a twist at the end this is for you. This seems like a normal traffic stop, right? I’m sure that driver will probably be let off with a speeding ticket. Nope. As it turns out, the driver is actually on crack and carrying over 2.5 pounds of methamphetamine underneath the passenger seat! What’s that in the trunk? An unlicensed handgun and loose cash, of course. Live PD is never lacking in excitement. Whether it’s a truck driver in an 18-wheeler who just blew a .32 or a naked woman running like Barry Sanders from the boys in the blue, nothing on this show is ever scripted or expected and showcases just how stupid people can truly be.
One Planet with David Attenborough
This is a far less humorous and also violent option as compared to the other two. It doesn’t matter if you hate both documentaries and the environment, you will still love this 8-episode series. This show is so relaxing it should come with a pair of slippers and a xanax. Dave’s voice is so warm and soothing, it feels like when you hug your fat friend and just get swaddled by all of their folds. Listening to him speak whilst watching penguins slide on their bellies is peak comfort. I promise, this show isn’t one of the boring documentaries that tries to teach you stuff. Just sit back, relax, and watch the elephant bathe itself with its trunk.
Flex Seal Infomercials
We’ve all fallen asleep with the TV on and woken up to one of these in the middle of the night. If you live under a rock, Flex Seal is liquid rubber that is used to fix any surface that has a hole or needs something patched up. It also looks incredibly fun to play with. Anyway, there are these commercials where this dude shows us what can be fixed with Flex Seal, and let me tell you right now, it is phenomenal. How this guy hasn’t won a Nobel Prize for the world’s greatest invention is a travesty. There is nothing Flex Seal can’t fix. Woops! Did you accidentally buy a boat without a floor, no problem! Just buy a 25 pound tub of liquid rubber and wait 30 minutes for it to dry, then BAM! You got yourself a fully functioning boat and 22 more pounds of liquid rubber for future use! Even if you don’t buy the product (which is highly unlikely after you see what this bad boy can do) the infomercials are still wildly entertaining and extremely satisfying. Also, fixing things with liquid rubber is called caulking which is pretty funny.
