TFM
Shockingly, the world doesn’t run on what I like to call “Tim Time,” which I believe is a travesty. In my eyes, it doesn’t make sense that people don’t shift their calendars to fit time frames that work best for me. Because of this, I’ve had to come up with the best reasons for being late to any given class, meeting, or event.
“Sorry I’m late. I had diarrhea.”
With the exception of my girlfriend, everyone poops. That makes this excuse almost universally acceptable, and since you described a pooping situation that no one enjoys experiencing, let alone hearing about, expect a slightly shocked, “Oh, okay.” And no one will question you about it again. If you cause everyone to think that you have IBS, you’ll never be expected to be on time anywhere ever again.
“I would’ve been here sooner, but I had to wait and get below .08.”
Everyone knows it’s irresponsible to drink and drive (fun as it may be), so using this reason for lateness will make everyone at your morning board presentation think of you as a responsible, thoughtful employee.
“Apologies for my tardiness, I had to rub one out.”
This one only really works if your boss or professor is a guy because taking care of morning wood is something women will just never understand. You’ll probably get an understanding and possibly enthusiastic response, like, “That’s totally fine. I’m probably going to hit the handicap stall and do that myself. Do you remember what video you watched?”
“Pardon my lateness, I passed a schoolyard kickball game on the way here and couldn’t pass up an at-bat.”
God, who doesn’t miss kick-ball? As a soccer player for years, having a leg-up in kickball was the only time it was worth it to play a sport that frequently resulted in my peers calling me homophobic slurs. There’s not even a chance that your superior won’t understand because every person on earth has a special place in their hearts for kicking rubber balls clean over the heads of nine-year-olds.
“Oh my gosh, is it 11am already? I must have lost track of time watching the Two and a Half Men marathon on TBS.”
If your boss or professor is cultured even a little bit, you’ll likely get the day off to finish off the last two seasons.
