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Better Names for College Majors

Let’s stop sugar coating our education. Let’s call a spade a spade, and call these majors what they really are.

Business

In your senior year of high school, your cousin told you how sick his assistant job at a hedge fund was because you were the only one who would believe him. He wore a watch that didn’t answer texts, and you thought he was rich as a result. You wanted to be rich too. So does everyone else in business school. Better name: Unwarranted Confidence Specialist

Communications

I’m in my fourth year of Communications. I figured the major would get a little more complicated than actually communicating, but nope. It’s as self-explanatory as it is simple. There’s no reason anyone should study it for more than a semester. Better name: Degree

Nursing

There are quite frankly too many nursing students for me to generalize the whole group. Most of them are women, all of them complain about nursing, but they all seem to love it somehow. They’re also liable to wiping elderly butts, and getting drug tested. In summation, their lives suck. Better name: Medical Slavery

Psychology

These people watched the Ted Bundy documentary on Netflix twice. They tell themselves that they’re such keen observers of the human race. Odds are, psych majors ended up there because they figured they could bundle therapy and education into one. Better name: Jeffrey Dahmer Superfans

Engineering

I’m not smart enough to understand what engineering is, beyond the meaning of its better name: Heavy Legos

Biology

This major is about the human body. Who would be interested in that? I’m guessing the answer is people who enjoyed dissecting the frog in high school bio. This is a bad major. Better name: Scientific Perversion

Chemistry

Chemists learn how to make drugs, bombs, chaos in general. They also memorized 100 plus two letter combinations in order. This is a major for people who use their intelligence to put mayhem into the world. Better name: Legal Drug Expertise

Film

Who is paying for your degree? If it is you, please drop out. You aren’t Paul Thomas Anderson. You won’t make any money. Better name: Stoner School

Education

School sucks. I don’t know why teachers haven’t figured this out yet. Their lives go from school, to secondary school, to an eternal school that employs them until they die. Better name: Purgatory

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Written by TFM

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