People often say college men live without fear. Those people are wrong. Other than the obvious (spiders), here are some of the biggest fears for a typical college male.
The Positive Preggy Test
After a small miscalculation in making the assumption that, “There’s no way she’s not on birth control,” the discovery that you were, in fact, wrong is an incredibly scary realization. It’s at this point that you really don’t care if she’s taking $75 from you under the pretense of an emergency purchase from CVS because the only thing scarier than that money being wasted is the picture of a positive pee stick and the message “It’s yours.”
The GroupChat Being Leaked
To the outside world we’re polite, responsible, well-adjusted borderline alcoholics, but that picture-perfect image could all go away if even the most tame messages from an average male groupchat were released to the world. Even a guy like me who spends all day tarnishing his public image by writing these blogs on the internet would go down, so imagine what would happen to your friend with the internship on Wall Street.
There are just some hangovers that make any self-respecting binge drinker feel as though taking down an entire eighteen pack and eating the weight of a large toddler in Taco Bell might not be the reason that it currently feels as though you’re about to die. The hangxiety mixed with an intense migraine causes your notes app becomes a make-shift will:
“I, of sound mind and (other than a likely case of cirrhosis) sound body, do hereby give Jason my PS5. Thanks for being a bro ‘til the end. I know we’ll be huckin’ die up in heaven sometime.”
Looking Like a Pervert
It’s because of this fear that when we’re showing our friends a hot girl’s Instagram we don’t let them hold the phone: you can’t trust them not to double tap on the bikini picture from a year ago. Is it perverted to be doing a deep dive into a girl’s VSCO and mentally undressing her with hopes of it not being imaginative if you sack up and talk to her at the bar later this week? No. It’s only perverted if she finds out about it, so we keep our phones to ourselves.
This doesn’t apply to all college guys – not even most of them. There is a demographic of college-aged gentlemen out there, though, who need an epi-pen with them at all times because of a severe allergy to just being in the general vicinity of a vagina. Don’t worry, king, it will get better one day. Hopefully.