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Body “Positivity”

I hate people that are confident in their bodies. If I have to see Melissa McCarthy or Rebel Wilson and her fat asses pressed up against another cover of a magazine I’m going to lose it. You know the ones where they were barely able to fit her fat rolls on the cover. I hate it not because she is fat or because of her decision to be in the magazine. It’s the magazine I’m mad at. It pisses me off because the cover will say something like “Melissa McCarthy bravely shows off her plus size body” that is what makes me mad. It’s the fact that the magazine company is putting it in you, the reader’s head,  that she is fat. I’m disgusted at GQ, People Magazine, or whatever snickers-eating-apocalypse-provoking shit-storm of a magazine you read. They are the ones that are saying she is fat. Saying that what she is doing is so brave and outside the norm so that when you think of her and her “braveness” you also think of the magazine. You correlate the two things when there is no correlation at all. If anything, the magazine is just using Melissa and all her other fat friends as good press, so when you see another plus size person on the cover, you think of them. They are trying to coast off the attention someone like Melissa McCarthy rightfully deserve for being confident in her body, but only because shes fucking fat. She’s a fat piece of shit, and she should be applauded for the fact that she can’t stop eating egg mcmuffins. Because that’s where we are at right now in society, everybody is amazing for anything they do, or more accurately, what they don’t do. The same people that worship Melissa McCarthy for being fat in a magazine are the same people that say: “thoughts and prayers”.

Let’s talk about “thoughts and prayers”. We’ve all seen it. A school shooting or forest fire happens, so twitter decides to solve all of the world’s issues by sending white girls with self diagnosed anxiety to the rescue by tweeting “thoughts and prayers”. My thoughts and prayers go out to all those affected by the california fires. Fuck you. Thoughts and prayers? The only time you will ever be thinking about this is right now, when you are making a tweet that is basically saying oh horrible tragedy happened? People have died? Well don’t forget about me though. I’m still here. Look at me… THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS! LOOK AT ME! 

Thoughts AND prayers? When was the last time you’ve prayed? Probably after the car crash that you were in, that was 100% your fault because you were online ordering from Playa Bowls when the light turned red. So you start crying and pray to the God that you spent 14 years being told existed until you didnt want to get up early on sundays, so you threw tantrum after tantrum, threatening to kill your self if you went to church again. You said you hate God and it doesn’t exist, meanwhile here you are, the side of the road crying and praying to the God you NOW want to exist because it’s the only thing in your 0-skill personality that is helpful for your situation right now. Chance, that’s all you have. You offer the world nothing but vagina and carbon dioxide. All this time, knowing that this is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do and feel like you deserve to get let off easy, even though you’ve only been talking to the cop for 2 minutes. You try to play the victim by saying the new car that your daddy bought you has “weird brakes”, but the cop isn’t buying it. You play your final and most powerful card… your tight white pussy. You’ve only been with 6 other guys, but you offer it to the cop anyway, praying he will say yes. He says no and puts you in handcuffs. Now you are in the back of a police car, with your hands behind your back praying that there’s a way that your parents never find out about this. 6 mugshots, 1 awkward phone call to your sister, and 2 hours later you are bailed out by your dad with the money that was being used to pay off the car you just totaled. You pray that they will understand what happened, and they do because you live in a rich white family so after like a week everything is fine. You don’t know thoughts and prayers because you don’t think or pray as evident by that situation I literally just made up. 

What was I talking about? Who cares, be confident in your body.

What do you think?

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Written by Conall Lynch

Conall drinks vodka and chases it with a Granny Smith Apple. He likes to say “the mustache is just for content” but deep down wants to keep it.

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