Brady Fight!

HOUSTON TX. - DECEMBER 1: An angry New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady walks off the field after thy didn't convert on a 3rd down during the 2nd quarter of the game against the Houston Texans at NRG Stadium on December 1, 2019 in Houston, TX. (Staff Photo By Nancy Lane/MediaNews Group/Boston Herald)

I gotta give it to Brady. He went from one of the most intense sports cities in the country to a state that is known for being inhabited by fucking morons. I mean you’ve got the just blatantly racist, homophobic, whatever kind of prejudice you can think of in Boston rooting for you, and then you head over to a state that creates memes in their news reels on an almost daily basis. It was really only a matter of time before this shit happened.

“Florida man cuffed after getting ‘enraged’ during fight about Tom Brady” was the headline from The New York Post article I read. Apparently, this guy was in an argument with his friend about the son-kisser, and whatever happened in the argument ended up with the instigator of the incident Brian Paulter absolutely rocking his friend. I believe the article mentioned several punches to the face over the debate. Then Brian takes it up a notch and goes after his boy’s wife, but I guess in the confusion he got confused because he also gave his wife the old one-two McGregor.

The article clarifies that everybody involved was just piss drunk for this whole shebang, but if you’re interested in reading the whole thing just go ahead. I’m not here to give you any more of a summary of what happened. I’m here because I desperately want to know what the argument was about. I’ve publicly voiced the fact that I fucking hate Tom Brady before, but I do feel like everyone needs to know. I think that the fact that the police were willing to give out information on the injuries and stuff that occurred and not tell us what caused the fight is more of a crime than the assault that took place. But on the bright side, I now have the ability to completely make up what happened in the fight, and I guarantee you that the version of this altercation that lives in my imagination is ten times better than what happened in real life. Enjoy:

Police responded to a 9-1-1 domestic disturbance call late Sunday evening in St. Petersburg, Florida. Emergency responders found three victims – one male and two female – and the aggressor in the incident, Brain Paulter, at the scene. According to witnesses, the disagreement began earlier in the night while having a night out after a playful argument about Tom Brady turned ugly.

Sources say that Paulter and his friend had jokingly begun debating what kind of pornography Tom Brady is partial to, but, as the night went on, their inability to come to one conclusion created immense tension between the two that ultimately resulted in violence when the group returned home.

Witnesses say that they heard Paulter’s friend and friend’s wife repeatedly insisting upon “parody porn” being Brady’s favorite, which engraged Paulter, and he went after them both. The same witnesses also heard Paulter repeatedly yelling “Cuckold” (which is a category of adult videos in which a man willingly watches his spouse have relations with another) as he punched his friend in the face.. The incident culminated when Paulter’s own wife chimed in with “BBW” (Big Beautiful Women) and Paulter changed his target to her. 

Paulter has been placed under arrest, but police have not given information on how the manner will be handled in the coming days. Tom Brady has declined to comment on his favorite porn category, saying, “That’s my bidness, yo,” when asked the question.

Tim Moxey reporting for IFNS (Incredibly False News Stories)

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Written by TFM

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