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Breaking Down Armie Hammer’s DM’S

This weekend Armie Hammer was trending on Twitter. That can only mean 2 things, 1 he is dead, or 2 he is being cancelled. Armie Hammer is one of those actors that I know of, but I can’t think of his face. He’s become a big name even though I think I’ve seen only one of his movies. He wasn’t exactly canceled, but some crazy DM’S were leaked via Twitter. Nobody really knows if these are real or fake. It’s so easy to make fake messages now, all you need is a little photoshop skills, and boom suddenly the hottest girl on the planet is messaging you saying she wants to show you how she can suck a watermelon through a straw. Here’s the breakdown of the freaky shit that Armie was saying.

“Oh my god.” The first message is the holy shit I can’t believe this girl is sending me this. Quick send a message back to let her know that you enjoy the video or picture. Pretty normal stuff here.

“This just made me so hard and it makes me confused as to why?” The horny mind will find pretty much anything hot. There’s a reason why you close out of your porn tab so fast after you’ve cum. Your rational mind doesn’t want to see the freaky shit that just got you off. It’s hot and sexy to eat somebody’s ass, but it’s literally where shit comes out from. The horny mind is not a normal mind.

“Is that even possible?” Yes Armie, I’ve just explained the horny mind is not a normal mind. Anything is possible when you’re all horned up, and you have one thing on your mind.

“So hard. Thinking of holding your heart in my hand and controlling when it beats.”

Armie we’ve made a huge turn here. Where the fuck did this curve ball come from? We just went from normal sexting to some Hannibal Lecter type shit. This is some finishing move Mortal Kombat shit. I don’t think I’ve ever thought of beating somebody’s heart with my hand. Like I know people like some kinky shit, but manually pumping somebody’s heart like they’re your bike tire seems a little over the line.

“I am 100% a cannibal.” I mean I don’t think there’s being 50% a cannibal. You either want to eat a human, or you don’t. As soon as you take that first little nibble you’ve turned 100% into a cannibal.

“I want to eat you.” Armie you just said you’re cannibal, like no duh you want to eat her. This isn’t eating ass or eating pussy you want to eat human meat.

“Fuck. That’s scary to admit b.” No shit if I felt that way I wouldn’t be telling a soul. That’s some shit that you bury deep inside of you, and hope to god is never found out. There’s a literal movie series about a man who kills and eats people. Armie you’re an actor this isn’t a movie role this is real life. You’re not eating prop humans, you want to eat actual humans.

“I’ve never admitted that before.” Well I sure hope you wouldn’t. Nobody wants to hear you want to eat them like they’re the Thanksgiving turkey.

“I’ve cut the heart out of a living animal before and eaten it while still warm.” If you’re not from a hillbilly town like I am this might sound like it’s coming from a serial killer. It’s a weird tradition that has been passed on through redneck generations where after you killed your first deer, you’re supposed to cut the heart out and take a bite. Yes I know it’s fucked up, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Armie was talked into it by his hunting buddies. Most people will just tell you to fuck off, but the gullible people will actually do it.

Like all things on the internet it’s hard to trace down where the original DM’S came from. I can only imagine the girls whose DM’S that Armie is sliding into. He was married for 10 years to Elizabeth Chambers. It never came out why they divorced, and they of course put out the bland we are going to work through this for the sake of our children statement. If these DM’S are actually true maybe one night Armie had the salt and pepper out and started to season her leg before sex.

What do you think?

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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