Celebrity boxing matchups that must happen

In honor of the Mayweather vs. Paul pay per view “conflict” (that’s right, not a fight, but a conflict) I predict that the new era of boxing will feature more cash grab opportunities, more celebrities making debuts, staged draws, and pretty much anything that doesn’t resemble two fighters actually boxing. It seems that the tides of this sport are changing. Instead of shoving these Paul brothers down our throats, boxing broadcasting corporations should feature fights between celebrities that we don’t hate. It’s not good television if we keep seeing Jake Paul beat up ex-UFC fighters and watch Logan Paul make somewhat of a name for himself after Mayweather literally held him up for 8 rounds. Besides, all anyone wants to see is both Logan and Jake getting fucking clapped on live television, that’s why we keep paying for this shit. 

If the sport of boxing is heading in a more showy direction, then we might as well enjoy the show and get matchups that we actually give a shit about. Thus, just as I had promised, here are some matchups I would much rather spend $50 on than fund another fight featuring someone with the last name ‘Paul’.

Brooks Koepka vs. Bryson Dechambeau

Beef on a golf course? And we aren’t talking about a hot dog? Sign me up. A fight between Brooks Koepka and Bryson Dechambeau extending from their current and preexisting beef would make for great television. Not only would this fight make the sport of golf way more interesting on the PGA tour, as I’m sure there would be some very tense moments on and off the course leading up to the actual event, but unlike the Mayweather vs Paul fight, this fight could actually be a beefy slugfest. Both of these golfers are thoroughbred meatheads who tower over the rest of the PGA players in terms of physical size and strength on the tee box, which of course results in both of them being able to hit absolute piss missiles on a daily basis. And… did I mention that they really don’t like each other.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson vs. Vin Diesel

I mean who wouldn’t want to see a grudge match between two muscle-star giants that don’t like each other. The Fast and Furious franchise literally split in half and created an entire spin-off universe all because these two alpha dogs couldn’t work on the same movie set together. Despite how tough and hard most fighters are, listening to some of them shit-talk before a fight can be one of the biggest cringe experiences in sports. Fighters may know how to throw a punch, but many of them don’t know how to deliver a good line, let alone act in general. Nobody better than action movie stars understand the importance of a great one-liner and timing. If you fuse this notion with some actual beef between two guys that could definitely throw a good punch or two, you will have an amazing televised event on your hands. 

Dave Portnoy vs. Michael Rapaport

This could be a fantastic event, but I could also see it becoming a bit of a social media nuisance. The winner of this hypothetical fight is what I would call a lesser of two evils. Little context, Dave Portnoy is the President and founder of Barstool Sports while Michael Rapaport used to have his own show on Barstool until his controversial exit from the company. When I say ‘controversial’, it’s not because I give or gave two shits about it at all, but rather because it included lengthy lawsuits regarding matters of sexual harassment, conflicting stories about what happened, and a whole bunch of other noisy nonsense that went down that made Michael Rapaport and Barstool Sports official enemies. Now, both of these guys talk a big game on social media as both of their “brands” consist of not giving a fuck about what they say and never backing down from a fight. Like I’ve been hinting at through this paragraph, I’m not super fond of either of them in all honesty. Rapaport is just plain annoying and Portnoy’s everywhere now, so I see him too much as is. I guess I like Portnoy more than I like Rapaport just because of the philanthropy Portnoy has provided to small businesses, but after some of his notorious takes on sports, politics, and society for that matter, I wouldn’t mind seeing Portnoy get punched in the face on live television. But like I said, I can also see Barstool blowing this fight galaxies out of proportion from social media advertising campaigns. That would get annoying real fast.  

Britney Spears vs. anyone she wants:

This isn’t the fight Britney needs, but the one she deserves. If anyone has been the victim of unwarranted cancelation and bullying in Hollywood, it’s Britney Spears. The unfortunate thing about her stardom is that she was two decades too early. Had she been in the peak of her music career now, she’d be a hero and an inspiration. But back then, opening up about mental health and drug addictions was stand up comedy and turned people into glorified circus acts. Not to mention that Britney was never able to dig herself out of that hole because society only wanted more content of her troubles. The deeper she fell into madness, the more entertained everyone else was. That’s fucking awful. Who she fights does not matter. This is her fight. If she wants to have a couple of executives, paparazzi scum, or some crude talk show host tied to a chair while she gives them haymakers, I’m all of it. I think she deserves to be able to show up to Miami, sweat it out for 24 minutes, and walk away with $100 million in cash, regardless of who she fights. But if she wants to knock the hell out of some no-name TMZ paparazzi tramp who did her dirty all those years back, I will not complain.

Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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