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Cinema Cures: Back To The Future III

Welcome to Cinema Cures, where I will be ranking movies. We are not looking for how many awards the movie won, what critics think of it; we care about one thing, and thing only; is the movie a good movie to watch while hungover? When you’re hungover as fuck you don’t want to do anything. All you want to do is melt into the couch and veg out on movies and tv shows. I’ll be ranking the movies from the bottom shelf, mid-shelf, and top-shelf. There are four factors for grading a movie for hangovers. 1st criteria are there any loud parts of the movie? You already have a splitting headache. You don’t need a movie to make your head explode. 2nd criteria are there any crazy lighting that makes you feel like you’re in a vortex? You don’t need a light show to make your head swim and your stomach flip. 3rd criteria are there any gross parts? You already are trying to hold down the beer and liquor you drank last night; you don’t need to watch guts or vomit reminding you of the explosive vomit you had last night while you were blackout. You don’t want to throw up those 3 cheeseburgers you ate at 4 in the morning. 4th criteria is the movie easy to follow? You don’t know how you got home last night; you don’t need to get lost in a movie.

Today’s movie is 1990’s Back To The Future III. Starring Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd.

My initial thoughts on Back To The Future III is that it’s a decent movie. It’s a cheesy western with a sci-fi twist. We aren’t here to break down the movie like we are some crazy film critic. We care about one thing and one thing only. Is this a good movie to watch while you’re hungover?

For rule number 1, are there any crazy loud parts of the movie that makes your head want to explode? You’ll know right away how bad your headache is as the movie starts with thunder and lightning as Marty is sent back to 1985. There’s nothing worse than when you have your speakers blaring from the night before, and you forget to turn them down. That shit is blaring so loud that you feel it in your soul. Back To The Future III is a traditional western filled with random gunshots, trains chugging along, and people being dragged by horses. In addition to being a western, it’s also sci-fi, so they make it very dramatic with loud music whenever they time travel.

For rule number 2, is there any crazy lighting? In 1990 they were limited with graphics. To show the DeLorean time traveling, they went and tossed in random lights to show that some sci-fi shit was happening. The nice thing is that you’ll know when the lighting will happen, and it’s right before the DeLorean hits 88mph.

For rule number 3, are there any disgusting parts of the movie? There’s really only one part of the movie that is borderline gross. But if you’re Odell Beckham Jr, it’s a normal Tuesday night for you. It’s when Buford Maddog Tannen gets knocked out by Marty and falls into a wagon of heaping manure. When Buford gets up, he spits out the manure looking like he just finished filming 2 girls 1 cup.

For rule number 4, is the movie easy to follow? Back To The Future III is extremely easy to follow. The entire movie is needing to get back to 1885 and then traveling back to 1995. It’s not a hardcore sci-fi movie where they confuse you with space-time continuum bullshit. Instead, they use the photograph trick to make sure they didn’t fuck anything up.

If you have watched the movie, you know that Doc takes one shot of whiskey and instantly blacks out. Doc has a worse tolerance than an incoming freshman. Anyway, I tested out the wake-up juice that the bartender uses to see if it actually works to sober somebody up.

I can say for certain that the wake-up juice doesn’t exactly wake you up. The olive juice and heat are extremely disgusting.

The official Cinema Cures ranking is that Back To The Future III is a mid-shelf hangover movie. It’s a campy western that will make you internet laugh. You know when you breathe out of your nose hard. If you enjoy watching Westerns and don’t want to watch Clint Eastwood wrangle up bad guys, then Back To The Future III is perfect.

What do you think?

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Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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