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College Highlight Reel

Attacked by a homeless man

I mistakenly took random shouts from a homeless for a greeting. I said, “What’s up G?” and he proceeded to put me in a headlock and start yelling at me. Luckily another homeless man (who I later found out had just full on fought the one that was attacking me) pulled him off and held him back when I accidentally stepped all over my attacker’s belongings that were sitting on the sidewalk.

Victim of racism… because I’m Irish

The night after the homeless man attacked me, I was in my favorite pizza place on campus when a kid started calling me a “Mick” which is I guess the closest you can get to an Irish slur. He was upset that I didn’t know where in Ireland my family was from, and attempted to steal my hat, fight me, and shoved several girls in the pizza place. I was restrained in the pizza place when I attempted to take out the skateboard I had stolen found and beat him with it.

Chased a kid with a cinderblock

I pulled what I thought would be a funny prank on an unsuspecting student walking through the streets of off campus housing at about one in the morning. After taking the cinderblock from someone’s porch, I raised it above my head and said, “I’m going to kill you with this rock.” I can tell you I’ve never seen someone run away faster. Not my best decision, but a great story, nonetheless.

Fell asleep in McDonald’s bathroom

There’s not much else to that. I woke up, got twenty McNuggets and a large fry, and went about my night.

Pooped in a random apartment at Temple

While visiting Temple, I got lost in my friends’ apartment building and desperately needed to take a shit. After searching for probably a half hour for their place, I came across an open apartment and when I heard no answer after asking if anyone was home, I walked in and used their facilities. They ended up living five doors down from my friends. Whoops.

Got kicked out of three parties in one weekend

Martin Luther King Day weekend 2020 was one for the ages. 

Hitchhiked to a party

If you’ve never been to Pittsburgh, you may not know this: it’s hilly as fuck here. I was exhausted from walking up a hill when a pick-up truck drove by. As a joke, I did the hitchhiker thumb sign, and for whatever reason, he stopped. I hopped in the bed of his pick-up truck, and he drove me the two blocks that I had left to go. That guy is a god damn hero.

Hit and run

Around the same time as the hitchhiking, I was crossing the street (I was well with in my rights, by the way. There was one of those “Yield to Pedestrian” signs right there. I guess the guy didn’t see me or something. He slammed on the brakes, and I got hit square in the ass and knocked over. When he saw me stand up completely fine, he sped around me, and that was that.

Told a bouncer my ID was fake and still got let in

One of the few things I remember from last Thursday was walking up to the bouncer at a bar on campus wearing my Eagles jersey. He scanned my ID and said, “Eagles fan from Illinois, huh?” I guess I didn’t sell the “My Dad is from Philly” line to well because he then said, “This is fake, dude,” and I said, “Yeah, I know.” The man then stepped out of my way and said, “Go ahead in.” What a legend.

Attempted to take a Pittsburgh public bus to Philadelphia

Thankfully, I ran into friends who prevented me from going through with it, but I went out armed with my student ID and a dream with the full intention of taking a bus back home.

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Written by TFM

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