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College Move-in Week: The Mass Genocide of Cardboard Boxes

Ah yes, move-in week for colleges and universities across the country. This week is an absolute emotional shitstorm. It checks off all the boxes. Flocks of freshmen flooding the streets, hordes of crying mothers, all of those poor fathers watching their sexually ambitious daughters walk right into Chad and Tanner’s trap house, all while wearing the shortest fucking pair of daisy dukes known to man, such shorts most department stores aren’t legally allowed to sell. 

But amidst all this chaos, there is a mass extinction and damn-near genocide that NO ONE is talking about. I’m here to tell their story.

It’s an awful week to be a cardboard box. 

As millions of college students are piling into their shoebox-sized dorms and shithole apartments, no one is taking into consideration how many cardboard boxes are being mercilessly slaughtered and ripped to shreds. 

I mean, talk about chopped liver.

Fucking christ.

My god, at least have the decency to put it all the way in the recycling can.

Listen, I’m not saying that we need a damn burial ceremony for these guys, but at least pay a little more respect than just lining their up corpses up on the side of the fucking street.


For all the great purposes they served, they deserve better than to be treated like trash. They’re not trash. They’re cardboard boxes, recyclable material of which the educated youth of this country depend on for the ensured protection of their new sources of entertainment.

Be considerate and be gentle. We owe them that much.

Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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