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Collegiate Animal Kingdom: Sharks of Frat Row

Our friend, Henry Marken’s piece did a great job of breaking down the type of individual people there are in terms of animals. But being that his piece reminded me too much of my very first article EVER as a little pup, and this being Total FRAT Move, I felt I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to pull said first article from the Archive and tweak it to work for today’s ecosystem. So, for what could be considered half Throwback Thursday, half response/sequel, and half easy writing, here is a break down of the kind of Houses that might be taking up space in your campus’s biome.

Great White sharks
These guys are THE top tier house, and they know it. They are huge. They have the biggest pledge classes and throw the biggest parties. This frat appears on nearly every campus across the country. Their ubiquity is both an asset and a liability. They are the poster boys for fraternities for better or for worse. If something bad goes down and a white shark is involved, you know the media is going to have a feeding frenzy and start talking in sweeping generalizations about “frat boys” and how they want to eat dogs and children. The image of a white shark is precisely what pops into people’s minds when they think of fraternities.

These guys can be freaking ginormous themselves, but they don’t come with quite the hype and glorification that the whites do. Regardless, they know they are top tier. And they’re not wrong. Upon closer inspection, this truth is undeniable. The hammer-shaped head of the hammerhead’s head is indicative of their differentiated but nonetheless legitimate greatness. The strange shape may not look like other fraternities, but if you ask anybody what having a hammer-shaped head means they would say it means that you’re in an awesome fraternity. One theory why hammerheads don’t have pledge classes quite as big as the whites is that they value quality over sheer quantity. The shape of the head acts like a radar for finding the best candidates. Being so picky consequently means this is not a house you see at quite as many schools. Because they get it right the first time, their dropout ratio for pledges is one of the lowest in all of sharkdom.

Bull sharks
This frat is extremely common. They are another stereotype that come to peoples mind when they think of fraternities. However, it’s a completely different image. They are a bunch of meatheads taking vaguely homoerotic selfies in the bathroom at the gym together and yet are ironically pretty narrowminded. They think that all the time they spend in the gym is going to pay off when they finally finish a calendar in which there will be similarly homoerotic images of naked members covered only in Santa hats or dumb shit like that. While it’s obvious to everyone else that the calendar is the worst idea ever, and no one will WANT to buy it (especially all the girls they THINK will want to), these guys will guilt you “because it’s for philanthropy.” To them, the dad-bod is a sign that you don’t have your priorities straight. They think you’re more concerned with girls, drinking, and fostering meaningful relationships with the sharks you’ve gone through so much with, more than you are about graduating with six pack abs. “Bruh, that’s stupid!”
Another unusual aspect of the bull sharks is their ability to swim a considerable amount of time in freshwater. While this would seem to be an asset to many fraternities, for the bull sharks this skill manifests itself as an ability to blend in seamlessly with the geediest of GDI’s without even really trying. *Sigh*

Tiger sharks
This house is known for their propensity for eating or bidding anything they come across. Turtle? Eats. License plate? Eats. Swivel chair with 360-degree swivel, lumbar support, and built in speakers for “epic gaming experience?” Duh! An entire suit of armor? Scientists have found it. “This guy started the Quidditch club at his high school? That’s leadership right there! Bid!” This Laissez Faire attitude about pledging contributes to their size and visibility on many campuses but keeps them off the list of sharks with a lot of credibility and quality. But they don’t see their difference as inferiority. They simply consider themselves “Just TooSharkTooCare, dude.”

Black Tip Reef sharks
Middle or lower tier depending on the school and number of other houses on campus. Nothing is particularly characterizing about these guys. Run-of-the-mill fraternity who think they are “at the very least second tier.” They think Animal House and Finding Nemo were based on their group from back in the day. Will usually pair with the sorority that no one else talks to.

Goblin sharks
These guys live way down in the dark depths of the frat world. They started (and remain) in one dude’s parents’ basement as a bunch of guys who played Dungeons and Dragons together. Dungeon Master decided that the players’ party relationship would be strengthened if they were to go through some super weird initiation. They are trying to colonize a national fraternity that barely exists but until then they currently exist under their own, totally clever moniker of “Delta & Delta.” These guys should probably relegate themselves to a service fraternity.

Nurse sharks
Complete goobers who didn’t get a bid from any where else. You know exactly who I’m talking about. If you don’t then you might just be them yourself…

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