Mailman Dave
I know that my sports blogs don’t do the best here, but with the Knicks securing the 4th seed today, I had to write something about my Knicks. So I dove deep into the dark hell of the strangest parts of the internet to find out which Knick is like a porn actress. I used my decade-long experience of watching porn and reading blogs written by people who probably spend way too much time on Pornhub to figure out this list.
Zoe Bloom is Julius Randle
If you’ve read Bobby’s underrated porn stars blog, you’ll know how underrated Zoe Bloom is. She’s ranked 241st on Pornhub, which is just wrong. You can see how hot she is, and she puts in the work. Coming into the season, everybody thought that the Knicks would be dog shit this year. According to Vegas, the Knicks were one of the favorites to have the least amount of wins. Well, nobody expected Julius Randle to have the season he did. This year Randle is averaging 24.2ppg, 6 assists, and 10.2 rebounds. He’s in the top five for MVP this year and is still underrated. He was underrated coming into this season and still is. He has proven to be one of the league’s best superstars. Something that will happen to Zoe Bloom in the future.
Blake Blossom is RJ Barrett
Blake Blossom hasn’t been in the porn business for that long, but she has taken it by storm. She has flown up to the 184th ranked porn star on Pornhub, and she’s just getting started. Like RJ Barrett, who has only been in the NBA for two years but is now considered one of the league’s best prospects. RJ this year is averaging 17.5ppg, 5.8 rebounds, and 3 assists. He has cemented himself as the number two option on a playoff team, and it’s just the beginning for RJ; soon enough All Star teams and All-NBA teams will be calling.
Derrick Rose is Remy LaCroix
I’m not going to pretend that I knew who Remy LaCroix is, but after digging into the weird parts of the internet, I found out that Remy was one of the biggest porn stars but put in so much work that she contemplated retirement. That sounds exactly like Derrick Rose. Derrick Rose became the youngest MVP in the history of the NBA, and then after injuries, he was barely staying in the league. He bounced around from the Knick, Timberwolves, Pistons, and then back to the Knicks, where he has flourished. He had contemplated retirement when he was battling ACL injuries but has been a great addition to the Knicks bench. This season he has averaged 14.8ppg and 4.2 assists.
Taj Gibson is Sara Jay
Sara Jay is old as fuck. She’s only 44, but in porn years, that’s like 90. If you’re fans of MILF she’ll be there. It doesn’t seem like she’s slowing down either, and neither will Taj Gibson. Taj is only 35, but it feels like he has been in the league forever. When the Bulls were good, it was Rose, Noah, Deng, and Gibson. That feels like a century ago. LeBron has bounced from three super teams since then and has traded away dozens of players. Even though Taj doesn’t play as much anymore, he is the veteran presence that the Knicks desperately need. As long as Thibs is coaching, I’m sure that Taj will keep playing. He’s been with Thibs from the Bulls, Timberwolves, and Knicks.
Kevin Knox is Mia Khalifa
Mia, in her prime, is much better than Knox will ever be, but they’ve both had short careers and then were banished to the shadow realm. For Mia, it was her choice to stop doing porn, but for Knox, it’s been his horrible play. I want to puke looking at his stats, but this season Knox has only averaged 3.9ppg. He had a brief moment where he looked like he was going to be awesome. Well, that lasted one summer league in 2018; he averaged 21.3ppg, and since then, he has been a dud. Thibs doesn’t trust him, and I don’t blame him. Unless Knox gets a fresh start somewhere else, he will be out of this league very soon.
Frank Ntilikina is Claire Castel
Once again had to dive deep into the strange internet for this comparison. Not going to lie; all I did was google French porn stars. Of course, dudes who sit in their mom’s basements had these woman’s life stories which made my life very easy. Obviously, the first comparison is that Franky Smokes and Castel are both French. From reading her bio, it seems like Castel doesn’t want to be in blockbusters and doesn’t want to turn into this famous porn star. That will be Franky Nicotine’s career. Franky will never be a star, but he’ll be valuable to any winning team because of his great defense. He has cemented himself as a great defender that can guard any position because of his size. So just like Castel, they will both put in the dirty work that doesn’t get the recognition it deserves.
