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Comparing Your Favorite NFL Teams To Pornstars: Philadelphia Eagles

Here at TFM, we don’t want to be boring ass ESPN where we scream at you about what LeBron had at lunch or how old Tom Brady is. We try to find a new slant on sports, and you know what people love? Pornstars, and what better way than taking players on an NFL team and comping them to pornstars. It’s probably close to who you have stared at more. 300-pound men tackling each other or women with cannons attached to their chest being railed. The first team we will dissect is my favorite team. A team that has brought me such joy where I carried my friend around a bar screaming Fly Eagles Fly and has brought me such pain where I’m ripping t-shirts in half the Philadelphia Eagles.

DeVonta Smith is Naomi Swann

I have loved DeVonta Smith since his days at Alabama. He tore it up and won the Heisman as a wide receiver which hasn’t been done since 1991 when Desmond Howard won for Michigan. I was pumped when the Eagles took him with the 10th pick, and I was shocked he wasn’t the first wide receiver to be drafted. The thing that held him back was his size. DeVonta looks like a child compared to other NFL players. He stands at 6’1″ and is only 175 pounds. This is why DeVonta Smith is Naomi Swann. According to her pornhub page, she is only 5’3″ and is 105 pounds. If you don’t care about a flat chest and watching a woman get railed who might only eat 6 crackers a day, then she is the woman for you. Sometimes people underestimate the size, and this is what Naomi and DeVonta both have in common. DeVonta is trying to prove to all of the teams that passed on him that he’s a great wide receiver even though he’s built like a twig, and Naomi, with her 135 million views, is already showing the haters that she’s excellent.

Jason Kelce is Annette Haven

Sure, Annette doesn’t have a glorious mullet or a giant beard. She’s not dressed in a Mummers suit, but what Kelce and Haven both have in common is they are workhorses. Jason Kelce has played in the NFL for 10 years. That’s 10 years of getting slammed against 300-pound men who are built like brick houses. Annette Haven has Kelce beat by 20 years as she was a pornstar for 30 years. I don’t even want to know what being a pornstar for 30 years does to a person’s body. It’s probably similar to playing center for 10 years. In the last couple of years, there have been rumors that Kelce will retire, but year after year, he returns to the Eagles. He won’t keep working for 30 years like Annette, but one could hope that he is part of the Eagles organization for that long. Annette Haven and Jason Kelce also have in common that they are both normal-looking people you might run into at 11 o clock while you’re buying beer at your gas station. Kelce isn’t some human specimen like Aaron Donald, and Haven isn’t some fake-looking pornstar who you thought was built in a lab.

Fletcher Cox is Sofia Rose

There’s no doubt that Fletcher Cox is a big man. The defensive lineman is 6’4″ and 310 pounds. He has been using that size to dominate the offensive line. With Aaron Donald playing the same position, Cox has never been referred to as the best player in his position. This is what he and Sofia Rose have in common. As you can see, Rose is a big lady, and if scrolling for BBW in the pornhub categories is your go-to, then you have probably seen Rose’s work. In the BBW category, she has the 2nd highest BBW viewed video with 13.9 million views. She has never been able to crack number one, but like Cox, that doesn’t mean that they both aren’t great at their positions.

Jalen Hurts is Ryan Ryans

The reverse jinx that I put on the Eagles at the beginning of the season perfectly worked. I said privately and publicly that I didn’t believe in Hurts, that he was garbage, that it was a bad sign that he was benched for Tua in a championship game. Well, I know that the Eagles are 1-1, but Hurts has looked fantastic. Maybe it’s the new head coach and offensive scheme, but I’m looking like an idiot, and I couldn’t be happier. There was so much doubt that he somehow became underrated. If you’re a fan of Bobby’s underrated porn star of the week, then you’ll remember that he highlighted Ryan Ryans. She is somehow ranked 793 on Pornhub’s top 1,000. Coming into the season, Hurts was ranked by PFF as 30th of the 32 potential starting quarterbacks. It looks like both PFF and pornhub have no idea what they are talking about.

What do you think?

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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