Cuddling Doesn’t Mean It’s Secured

TRONDHEIM, NORWAY - JUNE 21: Larry King participates on a discussion on fake news in the media during the Starmus Festival on June 21, 2017 in Trondheim, Norway. (Photo by Michael Campanella/Getty Images)

Let me take you guys back a few weeks. My big, who is an alumnus, came to visit me and the boys for the weekend. Naturally, we hit the bars the first night he was here. The boys got ROWDY and had a grand ol’ time. Before I continue, I have to give some backstory. I had been hanging around my roommate and his girlfriend’s whole friend group for a few weeks. My roommate ,Jake, and his girlfriend has this friend who is this older girl who had just graduated and I thought was really really really really hot. Her name is Julia. I had matched with her on tinder before so I always kind of knew there was somewhat of potential in a hookup. She lived back home, but would make frequent trips back to school for bar sends and birthdays and whatnot. Whenever she came back to visit I always rizzed her up as much as I could.

Going back to the story, we got really shitty at the bars and the night was coming to an end. Jake asks me if I wanna hop in this Uber XL back at his girlfriend’s place. Being an Uber XL I made an educated guess as to who was in the car. So I of course said, “Does the pope shit in the woods?” So we Uber back to their place and keep boozin’ a bit and then we throw on Nick Krolls Netflix special. As we’re watching the special, she throws her feet on top of mine that were resting on the coffee table in front of us. At this moment I had no idea that my peter could even function. As soon as she put her feet on mine, my johnson awoke from hibernation and got so hard I could have cut diamonds with it. At this point I knew I had a great chance. I would say I had a 98% of smashing. Meanwhile, my other buddy is about to get an Uber back to his place and asked me if I wanted to go with him. I quickly shut him down. I needed to see how this was going to play out.

After a while, Julia starts talking to her friend next to her about Noah. Noah this, Noah that. Noah Noah Noah. I kept hearing this damn name and at that point, I knew. I knew that a 98% chance wasn’t good enough. Julia turns me and says, “I am Ubering to Noah’s house, do you want a ride back to your place on the way?” I quickly remembered Noah is the guy she used to hook up with when she was still going to school. My stomach dropped. I tried to not show how enraged I was and said, “Sure.” As we were on the way to my place, we talked about meaningless bullshit. So, if there’s anything to take away from this story it’s this: just because she’s cuddling with you, the bag is not secured!!

Written by Danny Serrano

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