There I am cuddling in bed with my girlfriend this morning at around 9 AM, knowing damn well that she’s going to be asleep for another two hours minimum, and pretty soon, I have to start quietly scrolling through Shit Tok looking for videos gross enough for the TFM Instagram audience. My right arm is getting less blood than my penis when I see a picture of Lena Dunham, and my phone keeps falling on my face. After about five minutes of putting up with this charade, I decide my best option is to flip her around and reprise my role as big spoon. Without hesitation, my subconscious realizes that I’m two clothing layers away from basically doing anal, and I’m shanking her with a boner.
Baseball, Linkedin, Grandma, Mom, Step-Mom, Brandi Love Step-Mom, FUCK now I’m hard again. I can’t do this. And just as I start getting out of bed to go to the kitchen and make a coffee, she makes a little grunt noise that communicates to me that if I even dare to leave this room, she’s going to be pissed. Now I’m muttering a soliloquy in my underwear with a puff bar on my chest. Am I a fucking simp? There’s no way dude. I work for TFM; I can’t be a simp. Well…I did go to Trader Joe’s with her the other day; that’s kind of a simp move. WHAT?! No fucking shot. I only went to TJ’s so I could pick our snacks…FUCK I just abbreviated Trader Joe’s. What the hell is wrong with me?! You know what? Trader Joe’s is tight as fuck. I’m the man. I’m the kid that drank twenty-six beers in one night. I’m a guy’s guy that writes for guy’s guys. But then there’s the Tik Tok.
Fuck man. I can’t come back from this. Holy shit, I’m such a pussy.
This goes on for about forty-five minutes. By now, I’m horny, I’m hungry, and I hate myself…oh and I’m late for my internet job. If I can successfully get out of bed to take a piss without waking her up, I’m golden. So I get up to take a piss, and just as my hand is on the doorknob I hear, “where are you going?” WHAT. THE. FUCK? This bitch was just asleep ten seconds ago. How the fuck did she wake up and relieze that I was gone THAT QUICKILY?! Women are insane. Does she have a sixth sense?
“Just going to the bathroom, baby.”
And because I have a boner, my pee is coming out of two directions. I’m hitting the toilet seat like Andrew Wiggins from the perimeter. I mean, literally, most of my piss is not even hitting white. GOD DAMNIT. I do what every man would do. I quickly take way too much toilet paper than I need, smear it around for three seconds, and wash my hands quicker than a Vine.
At this point, it’s been over an hour, and her incessant need to feel loved at all times has my day started with rage. I’m back to having my arm feel like television static, and all my symptoms have gotten even more aggressive. Maybe if I start kissing her neck, she’ll want to have morning sex? She sees right through me and turns around again. Great. Spooning Again. My last resort is twenty-six minutes of Doodle Jump and pinch-itching my ballsack. As 11 O’clock finally approaches, she gets up to use the bathroom?
“Why is there piss on the floor?”