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Dear Bar Bathrooms

I like to stay hydrated, sue me. That’s right, I get vodka WATERS. Also, I chugged my hydro flask before I came to the bar. Naturally, I got to pee.

I go to enter the line to the women’s bathroom, which is longer than the line to get into the bar, while boys are just coming and going. Peeing freely. No Line. They’re just pissing all over the floor, even though they’re the gender that can aim.

Finally, I make it into the bathroom. The first stall is reserved for girls doing coke. The second stall is for a girl crying and her friends who are telling her that she’s “better off without him.” The third stall is the only stall being used as a restroom. That’s why the line is so damn long.

I go into the bathroom and not only is their urine on the floor but there is also urine toilet paper on the floor. Some girl has thrown her tampon and her underwear away. Unfortunately, she had slightly missed the trash can.

I wore a bodysuit, so I have to get butt naked to piss. With my clothing around my ankles on a piss-drenched floor, I start to squat. Never let those cheeks hit the seat. My quads are burning because this is the most physical exercise I will have all week.

This is where I become an athlete. The lock on the door doesn’t work and so many drunk ladies got to pee. Some girl is trying to open the door during my pee. Mid squat, holding my clothes up to not hit the floor with one hand, I also have to keep the door closed with my other hand.

I should add that this whole time, I’m having to hold my drink. Since women can’t enjoy any type of party setting without getting sexually harassed, we got to take precautions. Never let your drink out of your sight.

Finally, I finish and go to wash my hands. Everything is wet at the sink. Everything. On top of that, girls are taking mirror selfies. You have to throw elbows like Draymond Green to get to the sink. Finally, I’m done. I go back out to the bar. Relieved. With wet toilet paper stuck to my shoe and my bodysuit unbuttoned.

Let me offer a solution.

1 – Two bathrooms. One for drugs, makeup, crying, and gossip. One for just straight business. This will cut down on the line for the bathroom.

2 – A drink holder for women. If there was like a little locker to put your drink in, that would be nice. However, I know for a fact I won’t remember the code. So… maybe this is as good as it’s going to get.

3 – While we’re at it, can we add a little nursery for our messy friends. That way you can drop them off with a babysitter, know they’re safe, and still get to enjoy your night. Instead of having to end your night when Stacy has one too many fireball shots…… again.

Please take my recommendations into consideration.

Written by Caroline Bano

Super boring girl with mediocre personality....but I'm hot. Read my blog. NYC.

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