Dear God, Protect Your Peen

It’s happened to all of us. You’ve got one leg up on the shower wall, your left hand is cupping your scrotum to allow for your right hand and your trusty weed whacker to get back to the taint area just enough to make it seem like there isn’t a full-on fucking forest growing from your asshole. Ever so gently, you get rid of those pesky grundle whiskers, and pull the razor out with the precision of a surgeon sealing up someone’s chest after a seven-hour open heart surgery. Filled with so much pride in your ability to groom your gooch, you forget how careful you have to be on the pubiscus, and a careless movement of your razor slices open the skin just next to your shaft. Next thing you know you’ve got blood pouring from your dick, your razor is in pieces on the shower floor, and you start to wonder if you’ll ever be able to have sex again – not that you were having tons of sex before this career ending injury, but it was enough that you would sincerely miss it.

Guys, I’m writing this as a plea on behalf of genitals everywhere. Irresponsible pubic shaving has taken the lives of better dicks than yours, and it’s time to start taking the necessary precautions to prevent disaster. Let’s face it: the last thing any of us want is to be forced to miss out on an opportunity to have four and a half minutes of glorious missionary relations once every two months.

So please, for the safety of your most important appendage: take your time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and there’s no reason you shouldn’t treat the importance of proper grooming of your nuts like anything else less than the sculpting of the Colosseum. Invest in a proper tool. Higher end razors are around one hundred dollars, but, c’mon, think about all your dick has done for you – it’s worth it. Finally, get on a schedule. It’s just not fair to let your guy start drowning in a scratchy nest of pubes before you finally decide to give him the shape-up he so badly needs, so keep your trimming on a regular schedule.

Some may call me an optimist, but that won’t stop me from telling you that I do truly believe that shaving-related dick injuries are completely preventable. It takes all of us, though. We owe it to ourselves and our most loyal companions to put an end to this madness.

What do you think?

Written by Tim Moxey

Above average intelligence, below average weiner.

To comment, fill out your name and email below.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *



WTF Is Sports Betting?

TFM MVP Of Week One Of College Football: The 74,866 People Who Didn’t Eat An Entire Jug Of Mayo