Dear Women: Retail Shopping

Dear Women,

I’d like to start this letter off by saying that driving to the mall, walking around the stores, and buying clothes is probably the closest thing to torture I can think of. Seriously, I would rather wake up one day with my ass cheeks sewn together and have to shit out of my mouth for the rest of my life than go shopping once a week forever. That’s how much I hate it. It’s boring, it’s expensive, everyone that tries to “help” you just ends up encouraging you to spend more money, and worst of all everything could be done online – probably for cheaper too. 

So that’s my question this week. Why in the fucking world do you guys go shopping so frequently, and even more importantly, how do you enjoy it so much? This is a generalization, of course, because I know that there are girls who also hate shopping. I understand those girls. You guys make sense to me. But this other group, the one that makes a fucking day out of it – you know, let’s get lunch and then we’ll spend three hours at fourteen different stores so that we can spend $463 on clothes that could’ve been ordered without even getting out of bed – those are the ones I don’t get. 

To me the whole experience seems unenjoyable, but I can understand the fact that maybe some people would rather try clothes on and all that shit so that they don’t have to do returns. If that’s your reasoning, it’s fair. I had to go to the mall and search for khakis because I needed them for work and didn’t have time to do the whole order four sizes online and find the best fit. But I hated every second of it, which is where I see a striking difference between myself and most women. While you guys are in the mall, laughing and smiling about all the fun stuff you guys are about to buy, I’m in the mall seriously wondering if I could get just injured enough from falling down the escalator that I’d never be able to walk again and therefore never have to walk around the mall again. With me hating it so much, I think you can understand why I don’t get how you guys like it.

Love,

Vinegar Strokes