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Dear Women: The Best Friend (Response)

@vinegarstrokes I decided that I’m going to respond to any and all of your “Dear Women” posts from here on out. Not because I ran out of creative ideas and need to piggy back off of yours, but for educational purposes. It will be my honor to speak on the behalf of all woman and be able to provide you gentlemen with the answers you’ve been searching for.

Now without further ado, I present to you: The Response to “Dear Women: The Best Friend.”

Dear Women,

This week, I’d like to talk to you guys about your best friend, as you can probably guess from the title of this letter, but more specifically why you feel that absolutely anything can be shared with her. I’m no stranger to telling my boys some secretive stuff, but I feel like I have always been pretty good about knowing where the line is. I cannot say the same for you all. 

Now before you sit up on your high horse and say that what I’m saying isn’t true, I’m going to have to put it out there that I have hard evidence of this happening. I have had two girlfriends, and both of them spilled pretty much everything I told them to their best friend just about as soon as they could. “How do you know it was her spilling the beans? It could have been someone else,” you may be thinking. I know because my only two ex-girlfriends happen to be best friends (for the fellas: that’s right, I pulled it off), so there were many things that I told the second one that she apparently had already heard from the first. The fuck is that about?

First of all, I would like to congratulate you for having not one, but two girlfriends. There’s no denying that you most definitely had sexual intercourse with at least one of them, so that’s an automatic score on your part. Secondly, I will say, as a lady myself I’ll just come out and say that there is literally no way of denying this. We all do it. Every single one of us, and if a girl says she doesn’t she’s either lying or doesn’t have friends.

To answer your question of: The fuck is that about? Well, women have different interests than men. You boys enjoy participating in various activities and our one FAVORITE activity is talking…all the time. All we do is talk. WE FUCKING LOVE TO TALK, and if the conversation involves let’s say a secret of sorts WE EAT IT THE FUCK UP. We discuss. We direct. We analyze. It’s truly our favorite past time.

Let’s continue.

Honestly, I do get the desire to tell your friends stuff. I really do. Having a juicy bit of information and dropping a bomb that blows people’s minds is a really great feeling, but Jesus Christ, have some restraint. You can probably tell her most things because guys don’t expect every single detail of a relationship to be top secret. But fuck, if we say not to tell your friends, we probably have a good reason for it. That’s not to mention the fact that if we drop any information we weren’t supposed to, it’s as if we picked up your dog and drop kicked it off a bridge Jack Black-in-Anchorman-style.

A best friend secret in girl world just holds stronger than a boyfriend’s. Sorry. I know in the back of my head that my best friend will be one of my bridesmaids at my wedding. But, I’m not entirely sure you’ll be up there with me. Until we figure that out, you’re a 50 / 50. There’s a 50% chance we break up and you as well as your secrets just become a story to talk about anyways. Then there’s a 50% chance we do get married, which pretty much means your secrets are my secrets to spill regardless.

Reading that back, I realize I sound fucking crazy. But, that’s pretty much how most women think. I’m just trying to give an honest answer here.

I guess I really just want to know why it’s so difficult to not share every single detail of every facet of your life with your best friend, especially since we all know that when the break-up happens every bit of drama is going to get exposed anyway. Can you not just wait? 

So we’re almost on the same page, but not quite. Unfortunately for you fellas, we’re just wired different. We must spill the beans. But I get how you feel, it’s like when we were kids and you guys got to all play sports together and we weren’t allowed to join. And when we asked “why not” someone would say “because we’re boys and you’re girls.” It’s such a shitty response to anything. But the same rules apply here, girls can tell their friends everything and boys can’t. Fucked up society we live in, huh.

Anyway. That’s all I have for today, so go tell your best friend stuff you aren’t supposed to now. Or don’t. Don’t is the right choice.

We will.


The Ladies

Written by Grace O'Malley

If Carrie Bradshaw drank a little bit too much and was originally from Boston...

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