TITLE CARD: 1:30 PM; On a Wednesday; Philadelphia, PA
A calm day at Paddy’s Pub. There is no one in the bar, except for two of the owners, Mac and Dennis. Mac sits at the front of bar, having a conversation with Dennis, who stands behind it and pours himself a beer. Mac is eating a corn dog. Dee enters. She wears a colorful hat with a propeller on it.
Dee: Hey losers?
Mac: What’s up with the hat Dee? Are you flying somewhere?
Dennis: I thought birds could already fly.
Dee: I’m just trying a new look. Lay off guys.
Mac: Why, so you can have room for lift off?
*a laugh track so big you can hear a father of three choking in the live studio audience*
Mac and Dennis share a look of approval with each other. They take pride in their incredible comedic chops. Dee sits down next to Mac. She rolls her eyes and makes a look that lets the audience know, these guys are trouble.
Dee looks at Mac.
The front door to the bar swings open. Frank leads, holding a Tupperware in his hand. Charlie follows. He too is holding a corndog. They are arguing about something.
Charlie: No way man, it couldn’t have been me.
Frank: Well, it wasn’t me. So do you think we had a poop robber.
Charlie: No, I’m saying that you’re a liar dude.
He is about to say more but he is distracted when he approaches the gang at the bar and makes eye contact with Mac.
Dennis: Hold up here guys. Who is the poop robber?
Frank: It’s Charlie.
Charlie makes a silly face. Isn’t Frank such a handful?
Charlie: No way man. Someone pooped our bed. Neither of us think it was us, but it was one of us.
Dennis: Dee, you might want to switch that helicopter hat for a detective hat.
Dennis pauses to look around the room. The rest of the gang watches on in anticipation.
Dennis: We’ve got a mystery on our hands.
THEME SONG: Elton John’s “Philadelphia Freedom” plays to clips that show the five of them in wacky situations. This includes: a keg exploding and getting them all wet while they laugh; Mac and Charlie looking proud while they teach Frank to ride a bike; Dennis and Dee are hanging a painting, and Dee hands Dennis the wrong end of a hammer which forces Dennis to give her a silly look. At the end of this sequence the title appears.
This is followed by a quick commercial break, kicked off by Danny Devito waving a wand and saying, “You’re watching It’s Always Sunny on Disney Channel.”