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Don’t Go To The Gym

Would you like to know how my mind works? Would you like to hear the daily struggle of a straight white male? Good because I don’t either. I don’t know how I feel about people who go to the gym because in my mind there are only two types that I see. Right now I am only talking about the men I see at the gym. The women will get their blog. These men are either the extremely buff people that selfishly go to make their already huge muscles even bigger or the fat fucks that are clearly trying to get in better shape but do nothing to make it happen. My mind loves and hates both of these groups so much that it makes me not want to go to a gym ever again.

Let’s start with the fatties. I hope I get a lot of hate for using the word fatties because it’s an exaggeration for the sake of comedy to talk about the people I am actually talking about. I hate these people that get on the treadmill for like 5 minutes and then leave the gym. I see it happen, mostly because I always use the treadmill when I go. They won’t even run that fast just like a slow jog and get off as if they just ran a Captain America (It’s an Ironman but harder and more meta of a joke). I once saw someone post on their Snapchat a screenshot of their workout. Which, by the way, we need to stop because it hurts my brain to know that there’s someone out in the world that I would like to get AIDS. This guy had run one mile in 12 minutes. Now for anyone that doesn’t know, that’s a pretty slow mile. But Conall he’s just trying his hardest, he’s only going to get better. Yes, but I know for a fact that this guy goes to the gym every day and he’s still fat. I know that he goes and just does squats and calf workouts so what the fuck? you’re working on your legs this much you never thought to just hop on the treadmill and see if it is worth it because it seems like it’s not. You spend all this time on your calves, and yet you can’t run for shit so what’s the point of doing it. I hate when someone has big calf muscles, but they got it from squats and leg shit. Like fucking run dude that’s how you get actual calf muscles that are beneficial to you health-wise and not in just appearances.

Now for Mr. Meat-Head-Muscle-Man. I hate seeing the huge muscles that you keep shoving in everyone’s face. There has to be a gym solely made for people above or below a certain BMI so we can accurately work out with the same types of people and not be belittled by these guys and their pet biceps. They will spend half of the time in the gym recording themselves in the gym to show people that they went to the gym. As if the gross tumor ridden arm wasn’t proof enough that you like to grunt in a public place while sweating and listening to Drake. I honestly hate the way a really buff person’s arm looks. It just looks like it has just a bunch of tumors on a veiny shaft of a huge penis. It’s gross I hate how obnoxious they look. It looks like one of those shits that you took that was bumpy, and the only reason you know that is because you felt all the bumps as the shit came out of your asshole. But fuck this guy. With all of your “gains”. Why do you need all this muscle? You’re not doing anything with it other than to look good. Fuck you.

Now, this is the part where I share a confession as to how my mind works. I just berated these two groups for going to the gym almost as if I wasn’t allowed to go to the gym when the situation is a lot more petty than that. My first instinct when seeing people do stuff, in general, is to get angry at them. I don’t assume that what you are doing is beneficial, I immediately think of some way to make fun of the situation. For the fatties of the gym, I am impressed that you are even going to the gym because the image that I see myself as when I am feeling fat Is the only thing preventing me from going to the gym. It’s not laziness, it’s the feeling that people are going to look at me and think that I’m fat. You guys are stronger than me because the mere presence of going to the gym proves that you are getting rid of that mental image of yourself out of your head and getting stronger. And for the meat-heads, I’m just jealous. You made going to the gym your bitch and I wish I had that. Whenever I walk into a gym I’m overwhelmed by all the people that look better than me and the machines that I would never know how to use and trying to figure it out in front of people is WAY too much anxiety. So I’m sorry meat-heads I am just jealous of your tumor-looking arms. And for the fatties, 5 minutes on the treadmill a day, keeps the fat away.

What do you think?

Written by Conall Lynch

Conall drinks vodka and chases it with a Granny Smith Apple. He likes to say “the mustache is just for content” but deep down wants to keep it.

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