Drinks That Make You Poop

The First Beer of the Evening

It’s 7:47pm on a Thursday night, I’ve finished with my classes, showered up for a night out, and sat down to enjoy a nice, cold, fermented beverage. For whatever reason, though, the liquid drained from that first beer quickly becomes liquid that drains from my butthole. It’s a whole fiasco. I have to hit another shower because it’s messy. There’s a whole stink thing going on, which is a big deal because when the girls arrive for a pregame I’d like to at least pretend that I don’t make smells like that. The good news is that it clears out anything else that was in your stomach, so I usually have a lot more room for the next beers.


Coffee is great for keeping yourself running throughout the day, but you really should be careful with it. Drinking it right before class has left me in some real tough scenarios. Do I send a trip to the bathroom and risk it being a marathon poop? I don’t know if I have 26.2 pushes in me. Or do I Hoover Dam this thing and hope that I can make it through the rest of this class and do the old penguin speed walk home without experiencing an unintentional opening of the rectal floodgates. Luckily with coffee, though, the caffeine forces my brain to work fast enough that I haven’t run into any issues as of late.

Herbal Tea

I’m not a puss, so I don’t typically drink it. I did, though, accidentally drink it thinking it was hot chocolate once. Let me tell you, does that thing give you the shits. I thought I was fine at first, until I had to use every Madden juke move in the book as I cleared a path to the nearest toilet while shouting, “POOP EMERGENCY CLEAR OUT!” at the top of my lungs. My grandmother tells me that was her least favorite birthday brunch ever, but I know that it was definitely here most memorable.


I’m not really sure what the point of these drinks are. They taste bad, they don’t get you drunk, and they really run right through you. I can’t recommend them.

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Written by TFM

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