Dustin Johnson Injured Himself in Bed

Dustin Johnson is a cool golfer. The guy kinda seems stoned all the time and appears to have fun on the golf course. It now appears that he has fun off the course too, as he just insinuated his recent injury happened in bed with his wife, Paulina Gretzky. Paulina Gretzky is the daughter of Wayne Gretzky, the best hockey player to ever live, and she might have the best genetics in the family. Dustin Johnson was already the man, but this cements him as the coolest thing to happen to golf since John Daly routinely shot in the seventies with a lit cigarette in his mouth.

I mean, come on. If that’s what being good at golf accomplishes, I might stay sober the next time I go out on the course. 

The news broke in a press conference when he was asked about his absence from the Saudi International golf tournament this February. He said he pulled a muscle in his back and the reporter reasonably questioned if it was swinging a club. He denies with a coy smile that says as much as any of his answers, before the reporter asks if he was picking up one of his kids. To which this legend responds, “Yeah lifting up a kid. Just a bigger kid.”

Everyone in the room knew what he was talking about. It was obvious from the pride he showed in answering that question. In one swift answer he said, “I missed out on millions of dollars. I don’t care about it. I was having sex with my supermodel wife. And my father-in-law owns a god damn Honus Wagner baseball card. My life is incredible.” Dustin Johnson just proved to everyone that he had the greatest injury in the history of sports. 

This is the coolest thing to happen to an athlete’s sex life since Justin Verlander hooked up with Kate Upton and doubled his era because he stopped caring. I love to see an athlete putting their dick before their career. It makes them feel like the rest of us. 

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Written by TFM

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