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English Fans Are Getting Ready To Lose Their Mind Before The Euro Finals

It’s a major tournament which means that Americans care about soccer. I’ve never pulled a Dave Portnoy and spat into a cup to test what percentages I am, but I’m probably more English than Italian. My great-grandfather is from Italy, so I have to be rooting for the home country. My Italian side takes a lot of pride in their heritage as well, so Vai Italia.

English fans have been partying since yesterday, have set off fireworks in front of Italy’s hotel, and have been lining up in front of pubs for hours. Cities across the country would party like this for their own team, but I don’t know how hard America would root for their country in a sport. We are either extremely dominant or horrible in sports. We dominate in basketball (yes, I know we just lost to Nigeria yesterday), and then we are horrible in soccer. I want to party like this and have this much love for my country in a sporting event. The only thing I can think of is when America partied like this for one of America’s sporting events is in the 1980’s Olympics when we beat the Soviet Union in hockey.

This makes me want to party, and I wish that America was good at soccer. I want to watch grown men kick around a ball, flail whenever they get touched and run around for 90 minutes while I’m hammered. The final being held at Wembley Stadium will give England a massive home-field advantage, either British fans are going home drunk and happy or with sad tears rolling down their faces. I want all of the drunk British fans crying after Italy whooped their ass. VAI ITALIA

What do you think?

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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