Erling Haaland is Alright at Soccer

Alright, I’ll admit it. Erling Haaland is killing it in the Premier League which absolutely sucks for everyone. Not that I pray for anyone’s downfall of course but thinking about Manchester City hoisting up another Premier trophy is making me wanna die. But, I’m a big boy. I can admit when I was wrong, and oh boy did I get this one wrong.

Let’s deep dive into how the Premier League season has started for the star striker of Manchester City. Oh, that’s right—eleven goals in seven matches. That’s ok I guess. Oh, and look at that he has five more goals than the second-place goal-scorer in the Premier League Harry Kane. “But I’m sure he’s slowing down in the Champions League with the more challenging competition right?“, I hear you asking me. But have you been paying attention at all? Of course, he fucking isn’t. He has three goals in two matches in the Champions League so far this year as well. Because why would he not be the second coming of Messi and Ronaldo put together? That really is City’s luck.

It’s like Haaland was put on this earth to do just one thing, and that is to score goals and make me wanna recite the Gettysburg Address with my toaster in the tub as he breaks every goal-scoring record in the Premier League and Champions League and leads them to a million trophies. Whoopie.

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Written by Warren Loukota

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