Everyday Things That Give Me Metaphorical Erections

Taking Off My Socks After a Long Day

After a long day of going back and forth to class (or back and forth to the front door, depending on how motivated I’m feeling), there are few clothing related feelings that could possibly make me happier than feeling my socks slowly peel away from my disgusting, smelly, sweaty feet. I keep my nose as far away as possible in order to stay safe from the smorgasbord of built up odors being released, and as long as I don’t get a whiff of any of that, it’s pure ecstasy.

A Shart NOT Being a Shart

The “suck a duck” reaction to letting a tremendous toot loose and immediately fearing that this will be the very last time you wear your current pair of underwear is one that you all know well. The feeling of doing the old peak for poop in the undies and it all coming up clean, though? Unmatched. Sure, tomorrow may bring crap covered Calvin Kleins, but for now, those briefs are (relatively) clean.


This one gives me a literal erection, too.

Waking Up Hours Before Your Alarm

One of the many things that leave me riddled with borderline unmanageable anxiety on a daily basis is waking up eight or nine minutes before my alarm and realizing that even if I do fall back asleep, it’ll be like shitting right after showering: pointless. But if you wake up an hour and a half before your alarm is supposed to go off, the feeling of relief that washes over you is enough to get anyone’s day off to a good start.

Class Getting Canceled

Few occurrences on an average day can measure up to the borderline sexual reaction I have to getting an email that my professor has fallen ill, meaning no class for that day. Hours later, I’ll offer up a half-hearted wish into the universe that whatever the professor has isn’t too serious. At the same time, though, my presentation is on Friday so if this sickness could stretch through the weekend, it would be a huge help.

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Written by TFM

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