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Everything MLB In 2 Minutes Or Less

It’s a damn shame Domingo German’s wife married him because had she married Kyle Schwarber, he probably would’ve missed. The guy is batting 125. I like Schwarbo as much as the next guy, but it’s time for him to steer this ship around, or else he’ll be digging himself out of the Mendoza line come mid-June. 

Much like your friend’s little brother, who was born eight years after everybody else, Seiya Suzuki and the Cubs are shocking the world right now. The MLB is turning into 1970s America, where every team wants to get to their destination via a Japanese vehicle, and I’m here for it. In other Cubs news, Jake Arrieta announced his retirement on Pardon My Take, so let’s revisit his 2015 season, shall we?

From June 21, 2015 to May 31, 2016 Jake Arrieta’s stat-line:

25-1

1.10 ERA

222 K

0.77 WHIP

10.0 K/9

2 no hitters

Freddie Freeman hit his first home run on the Dodgers against the Braves, and if you need some wholesome content in your life, watch his son’s reunion with Dansby Swanson. The Dodgers may have taken the first game against the Braves in the series, but make no mistake, the Braves are hitting the piss out of the ball. Ozzie Albies has five homers, with Marcell Ozuna tailgating him with four of his own. 

Every Mets fan has to feel like a twelve-year-old boy that woke up with sticky PJs right now. Lindor is playing up to his contract, and their pitching has been better than the shit you take when the girl from last night finally leaves your apartment…and yes, that’s without Jacob Degrom. 

Steven Kwaan has been hit by a pitch more times than he’s swung and missed on a pitch in the strike zone. Every day my Twitter timeline gets hit with Chelsea Manning drone footage that shows AL Central pitchers peeing their pants while getting tortured in Kwaantanamo Bay. Jose Ramirez also quietly continues to be arguably the best player in baseball with a casual OPS of 1386. 

The Baltimore Orioles had a funny tweet about the Yankees next year, there is going to be a clock on time between pitches, and at some point, you BABIP nerds…yeah, talking to you, have to admit that Tim Anderson can hit a baseball. Shoutout Demarcus Cousins because it’s getting ridiculous. 

See you next week with some spicy news and a little bit more NL West. 

PS: Justin Verlander is still good.  

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