Everything You Need To Know About Baseball In Three Minutes or Less

Stop me if you’ve heard this before, Trevor Bauer is in the news, and Nick Castellanos hit a homerun at an inopportune time. Known switch-hitting domestic terrorist and OPS+ monster Nick Castellanos raked his first hit in a Phillies uniform as the Blue Jays broadcast read their pitching coach’s DUI apology. This man is out of control. Two hours ago, he hit a home run after possibly the biggest thing our culture has debated since the OJ trials, and I have to say that my Grandpa is getting a hip replacement soon, and I have my eye on the Phillies calendar. I’m being completely honest, I have no doubt in my mind that Castellanos was taking live ABs on May 25, 2020…

Fifty-seven-year-old Albert Pujols gets one year from the Cardinals so Wainwright, himself, and Yadi can finish where they all started. Regardless of whether or not this makes sense because the Cardinals DO have a young prospect first baseman, this warms my cold, Irish heart. Albert is .4 away from having a career WAR of 100, and it would be cool if he could get that done in Saint Louis. He’s also only twenty-one home runs away from the 700 club, and even though he’s clearly not forty-two years old, he might get it done. 

In other news, Andrew Miller retired, which is important because people forget how great his prime was, but perhaps even more important because even though Caitlyn Jenner gets all the credit, he was really the first athlete to transition. For those that don’t remember the infamous Miguel Cabrera trade, Andrew Miller was a piece who at the time was supposed to be a future top two rotation pitcher in the league. After he got more hammered than a Union Worker during a weather delay, he switched his role and would go on to be one of the best relievers of the 2010s.

Some small things: Dave Roberts gets a three-year extension, Zack Davies goes to the Diamondbacks, Degrom and Scherzer went back to back for twelve punch outs which hopefully got some Mets fans off of antidepressants, and there’s speculation that the Blue Jays will have a distinct advantage this year because Unvaccinated players still can’t play in Toronto- which is a pretty fucking big deal because the MLB is way less vaccinated than other leagues. It’s been reported that some of the players are planning on using shoeshine and makeup, among other things, to disguise themselves and get back on the diamond. And finally, the new MLB The Show comes out April 5th, which means I will be going incel mode all April…sorry ladies, I know that kills you. 

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