After “graduating” (get it?) to this new phase in TFM’s legacy we are able to look back into the archives of #ClassicTFM and appreciate that which once was, both the good and the bad, and see how far we’ve come.
Now, I don’t think I think I have to say this to such a decent readership but I’ll cover my tailfin anyway: DON’T CANCEL ANYONE AFTER READING THIS. NO ONE HERE NOW WAS NOT WORKING HERE, OR OWNED THE BRAND AT THE TIME TO APPROVE THIS STUFF. PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
Episode 1! May and June of 2010! The Before-Times! I’m combining the first two months of TFM’s existence since May only had 9 posts and ‘cause I can do whatever-the-shark I want for this series. I’m just TShTC (Too Shark To Care).
“Yes, these are croakies. No, you wouldn’t understand.” TFM.
(“My ways are beyond your understanding, you NF GDI cuck; I’m TFTC cause I’m FAF as fucking fuck. Now be gone with you before I run you over with my frahoe/frat-Tahoe”)
Drunk sea mammal is cock-blocking her hot friend, so I took a handful of bar pretzels and threw them on the floor in front of her. That ought to keep her busy a while. TFM.
(She immediately got down on all fours and started gobbling them up face first. Then he railed the hot one later that night. Yeah… this didn’t happen)
There is a high school cheerleader summer camp staying at the dorm across from the frathouse. “who likes wine coolers?!” TFM.
(“Who likes pedophilia?!”)
She thought that after all the noise we made last night it would be nice to do something for my roomy. She wrapped last night’s condom around an Ice and left it on his pillow. Rules are rules, and by the way she will be welcomed back. TFM.
(Good to know she has the invite, brah. And maybe this happened… but she didn’t know about it. The guy was like… oops the condom is still on the floor, maybe I’ll just…)
Last semester I was elected president of College Conservatives. I also aborted 2 fetuses. TFM.
(You ABORTED them? Do you work at Planned Parenthood? Or is it like a side hustle? I’m guessing you mean you just went in raw on two occasions then facilitated the use of Plan B. Frankly, I don’t see how this one made it to the Wall in the first place, other than the deceitful/political duality which was a thing…and even so: read the room, man.)
Just crushed a huge deal. Took PGFing (post grad fratting) to a whole new level. Off to crush Jagers, brews and pink tacos. You can take the Frat Star out of the Frat, but you can’t take the Frat out of the Frat Star. TFM.
(This bro is still out there… somewhere. I wonder how many more huge deals, jagers, brews and tacos he’s CRUSHED since this PGTFM 11 years ago. His kid could be hazing elementary school geeds right now. We. Just. Don’t. Know.)
Was arrested for intoxicated pedestrian in the roadway. Bitched out the GDI cop, then incited a riot in jail. Came out of my blackout in solitary. TFM.
(Inciting prison riots and getting thrown in solitary would score “Geed to Giga-Geed” on an Episode of Is it Frat, only by SharkWeekTFM)
Miley Cyrus is up for a slammy award. Can’t wait for the sex tape. TFM.
(Hopefully we don’t get a Miley Cyrus 2021 sex tape. We’ve been through enough lately.)
“My pledge brother is heart broken because his slut girlfriend of 3 years cheated on him. When I got home he was eating raw cookie dough and watching Glee. You could tell he’d been crying. So I iced his gay ass. TFM.”
(Yes because that’s what Frat Stars do during a break up, eat cookie dough. Did homie actually take the Ice? So, he was just like, “Seriously dude? Right now? Well, ok!” Yeah this totally happened. What might be most concerning is that this was one of the most highly rated for a long time.)
Because I am a benevolent host, here is a decent one for the road to cleanse the palate:
A case of the Mondays is cured with a case of Natty. TFM.
(As much as things change, so do they stay the same.)
If you like this kind of stuff, the boys do live reaction to #ClassicTFM on Twitch. Go give it a follow: Twitch.tv/TotalFratmove and let them know that’s what you want to see when they’re live. You could even have them react to my old articles from when I was just a pup! It was good stuff. Streams are fun and flexible and I’m usually lurking in the chat. Tell ‘em SharkWeek sent’cha!