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Fan Casting Upcoming Marvel Roles (100% Serious)

I wouldn’t classify myself as a huge Marvel fan. I’ll watch some every now and then but, like most people, my interest after Endgame has noticeably declined. As Marvel now shits out show after show, movie after movie, it’s time that we, the people, have a say in who plays what roles. I think all Marvel fans can get behind my fan casting picks here, and if you don’t agree you are part of the problem. 

Black Panther- Robert Pattison 

Marvel has said it wants to push the limits on creativity. Here’s the first step, cast Hollywood star and Englishman Robert Pattinson as Black Panther. I can already hear you now, “oh Mike, you bigot, Pattinson can’t play black panther, he’s white”. Save it, Jack, Pattison played batman, a LITERAL BAT. If he can play an animal, he can play a human being. If the MCU has any guts left then Pattison will be leading the “Wakanda forever” chant or whatever idk I never saw the first one. 

The Fantastic 4: 

The reintroduction of the fantastic four into the MCU is going to be the most anticipated movie since Endgame. Here’s who SHOULD be cast if Marvel knew what they were doing. 

Mister Fantastic- Danny Devito 

A lot of people want John Krasinski in this role. Fuck the business side of Hollywood. Mr fantastic “has to be at least average height and charming” someone probably said once. No, no I REJECT your idea of the average male. Danny Devito embodies the intelligence, sex appeal, and charisma needed to play the leader of the gang. He literally just has to play Frank from IASIP and we will be off to a good start. 

Invisible Woman- Brittney Griner

This one makes a little too much sense. Griner will not be able to film due to her prolonged stay in Russia, thus it will be the performance of a lifetime. You’ll never see the invisible woman once, and they can always get some rando to do the voiceover. 

The Thing- Dean Norris 

Dean Norris is such a meme at this point that he has the worldwide recognition to pull off the role. He would embody it, and him being the Thing has the potential to tie the Breaking Bad Universe into the MCU. He doesn’t need to change anything about his current physique either. 

Human Torch- 30 different guys that get lit on fire

“Mike this one is way too bold, we are talking borderline murder”, buddy the only thing I’m gonna murder is the box office with this realism. We find 30 different guys who are willing to be lit on fire, each one only has to be on fire for, like, ten minutes (300 minutes of the film just to give the editors a little room for creativity). You pay each one a couple of bucks, tell them you’ll put the fire out right away, and then put the fire out ten minutes later. Are they gonna be in pain? Most certainly. Are we gonna get the shots? Yes. Again, we might have to do a little dub over with audio to drown out the screams, but this is the right path. Liberal Marvel would never do this though. 

Dr. Doom- Jordan Peterson 

Oh, you didn’t think this was gonna get political? Tough shit. Regardless of what you think of him, Peterson talks and acts like a villain. Whether you think his psychological advice is sound or not, you cannot say he isn’t a scary guy. If you came home from work and found Peterson in your living room, you would sprint out as he tried to explain the lobster hierarchy to you. 

Professor X- Rebooted Stephen Hawking

You can’t put a price on authenticity. The first step is getting him out. I’ve personally, got this covered. Some of the boys and I will sneak into Westminster Abbey (that’s actually where he’s buried, crazy right?). We pretend to be a couple of tourists, take some pictures, ask some questions, but then we hide in a handicap stall until security goes away. Lights click off and bang, my boys and I pull out our shovels. Dig dig dig aaaaaaaaaaand we have the body/wheelchair. We get the goods out of there and I have my tools guy make a couple of tweaks and he’s back. Marvel wouldn’t have to pay him either, just the wheelchair. 

What do you think?

Written by tfmdirtymike

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